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Attempts by the dumb
SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a
chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was
the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an
undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.
His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to
help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they
apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were
later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of
Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995
Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he
was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck. " Burns
got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that
he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something,
however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
Stupid people awards
The Darwin Awards
The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released!
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen...
(drum roll... and envelope please)... We proudly present the 1999 "Natural
Selection" awards:
5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam
pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth
Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called
Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt.
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide
down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a
St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a
hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found
him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing
above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party
(probably related to the man in Arkansas who used a .22 bullet to replace the
fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium
hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go
off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off."
"He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips
and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday
with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that" Payne
said.
1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released
soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during
an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known
now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's
right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a
major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said
the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the
rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw
also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely
would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had
been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No
charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office
said the initiation stunt is unde investigation.
Now this year's winners:(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal
Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had
18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the
late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky,
there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall
was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large
branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm,
he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes
would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his
shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into
Holly bushes. The sharp leaves Scratched his ENTIRE body, without the protection
of his shorts. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife
penetrated his thigh 3 inches.
(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the
pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he
put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend
and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver
thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his
body, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet
in the air.
Stupid people fearing
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a
resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a
nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and
with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer
who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the
car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He
asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of
the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were
locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally
got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and
tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Technology problems
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a
national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager
operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less
often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being
paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell
her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she
didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb
came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another problem solved.
Stupid people awards
The 2000 Darwin awards!
(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a
3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His
plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order
to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried
him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his
grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.
The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his
judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while
driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that
the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded
sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently
just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure
everything except the sun.
(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in
the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power
supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock
killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded
in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically
suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for
a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's
death.
(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog
on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black
Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was
howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with
its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot
to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the
reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali,
tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its
head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in
the head.
(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering
process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit
by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking
competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding
point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan
stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also
netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times
greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to
the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his
workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic
pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots
of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been
0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped.
The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined
the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known
whether Allan required any further embalming.
First Runner Up Award goes to ...
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with
unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with
the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and
exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng.
Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a
25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under
the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a
drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes
later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in
the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast
destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused
consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on
Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three
terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the
devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look
revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.
Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time
to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise
prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling
havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and
set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to
standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives
detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
Very stupid musician
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a
misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the
cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812
Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a
large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick
of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the
bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his
mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the
explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away
from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However,
Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered
artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off,
he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute
enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious
moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate
the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in
the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and
straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and
directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were
protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the
energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people
sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row
behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs
and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding
to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the
closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage
Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the
sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion.
Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with
a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!"
Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a
textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.
Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of
the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of
the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The
pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split
the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while
at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand
finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone
allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the
trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd
clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think
the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the
trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
An inscription problem
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the
metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds
has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington
Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received
the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you
it was horrible."
Mariah Carey's quote
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death
of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I
was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player
this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again".
When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not
Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of
"confusion".
Stupid people stories
Stupid people
LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the
front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They
panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper
still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the
bumper.
IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter.
While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer
didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to
demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was
found in the golf bag.
MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western
movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot.
She was sentenced to four years in jail.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather
than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a
forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first
bandit shot him.
Stupid people stories
Stupid people
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in
the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van
he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive
to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened
the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the
prisoners entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she
was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years
for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now
sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five
hundred times."
AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending
a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a
kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He
can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's
assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked
out.
Welfare applications
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to
individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are
taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for
support of receiving payments.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died
which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old.
When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly
by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do
anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This
is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope
this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a
mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any
relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an
immortal life.
You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for
two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to
send for another doctor.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the
enclosed envelope.
An insurance company
Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have
traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram
that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to
see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to
the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report
to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge,
that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a
bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I
just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him
and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen
up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"