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The Devil's Lawsuit
There was a contruction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15
stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said
''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed
-- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.
When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall
burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.” Then the worker replied, “That wall
could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the
pit afterward.” So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can
you build?” So the construction worker went about his job and made many
improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air
conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.
Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up.
That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.” Satan replied, “No way
-- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.” God then
said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this
man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a
lawyer?”
Oh, Those Darn Lawyers
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon
offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great
game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball
into the rough on the 9th.
''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes,
neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet
secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found
my ball!'' he announces.
''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says,
"you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''
''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''
''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on
your ball for the last five minutes!''
A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair
of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in
line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do
you?"
Lawyers vs Prostitutes
How are lawyers like whores?
They both get paid to screw people.
Harvard, Yale, and Urinal
Etiquette
A Harvard and Yale Law grad met in a washroom during a law convention.
The Harvard graduate said, "Didn't they teach you to wash your hands at Yale?"
The Yale grad responded, "They taught us not to piss on our hands."
Leeches
What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.
The Clever Lawyer
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling
articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm
to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
Lawyers' Birth Control
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Legal Birth Control
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
The Heart Of The Matter
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options
were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly
agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering
that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old
kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the
swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25
years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The
third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."
Skunks and Lawyers
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the
road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Drowning Lawyer
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Catfish and Lawyers
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
Third Opinion
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson
says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are
numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless,
spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''
It's Open Lawyer Season!
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency
as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck,
remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine,
helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier' for
the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or
vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law
libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt,
trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection
for rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
Lyin' Lawyer Laffs
How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.
747 Full of Lawyers
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Lawyer On His Deathbed
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to
confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of
your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a
decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put
arsenic in your martini."
Santa, Tooth Fairy, Drunk,
Lawyer
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist.
A Lawyer and A Politician
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.