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Lawyer and Sperm
What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Plaster Lawyers
How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
An Honest Lawyer
What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.
The State of Lawyers
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the
lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!
Lawyer Brains
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to
investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another
sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound,
truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth
8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of
brains?”
Duck, Duck, Lawyer
What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should?
Shove its bill up its ass!
Lawyers Stinkin' Up the Place
Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Saddam Hussein in a Foxhole
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two
bullets in your gun. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
The Lawyer's Funeral
A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one
man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man's funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We're all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”
“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”
Lawyers Off Bridge...
What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
Pollution.
What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
Solution.
Man Walks Into a Lawyer's
Office...
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
Legalese
Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with
their clothes.
Goose & Lawyer
Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
What do a lawyer and a sperm
have in common?
What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.
Trampoline vs. Lawyer
What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Sharing
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a
train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the
window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the
window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...
What's the difference between
a...
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Lawyers and Lightbulbs, Case #2
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the
ladder and one to sue the ladder company.
Lawyers 'n' Shingles
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
The Honest Lawyer
When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?
When his lips are shut.