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Five Surgeons
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon.
"You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open
them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded."
"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless,
gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."
"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end..."
Heavenly Help
Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When
they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could
still be married in Heaven.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."
"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need
to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be
divorced?' To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest
up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
Bad Lawyer
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.
Guess Who?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he
goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
My Father, The Whorehouse Piano
Player
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you're first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She's a doctor.”
“That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet
and said, “My father is a mailman.”
'Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that
day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the
door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, “I'm actually an attorney, but how can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?”
The Lawyer & The Dead Man
A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and clergyman - at his
bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made
them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place
the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough
money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman each
concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend
farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling
guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the
envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he
would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had
kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted,
had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money
so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed
his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most
trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I
want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the
full amount.
The other men looked down in embarrassment and the lawyer continued, "Indeed,
only I honored the deathbed wishes of our great friend. My envelope contained my
personal check for the entire $25,000."
Hellacious
Why'd the lawyer go to Heaven?
Hell was full.
Lightbulb <----> Law Professor
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
C'mere Pig
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do!
Lawyers Don't Get Fair Shakes
95% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name!
Burried 10 Feet Under
Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really not that bad!
The Lawyer and the Roadkill
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead
lawyer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
The Invention of the Copper Wire
Do you know how copper wire was invented?
Two lawyers fighting over a penny.
Lawyers' Word Processor
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Sharks and Lawyers
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Defense Lawyer's Good News
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
Lawyers vs. Vampires
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Practice
What do you call parachuting lawyers?
Skeet.
Degrees of the Law
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't know the law?
A judge.
Lawyer and Vulture
What''s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Wings.