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Indians and Polish
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in
the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill
to the mouth of a cave.
He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then
listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.
The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about, was that Indian goofy or something.
"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see
a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that
means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and
ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When
he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into
the cave he goes.
The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these
women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw
this great big cave.
As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave!
It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be
something really great in this cave!"
Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the
cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over
when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off
came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By
Freight Train!!
Actual stupid questions asked
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken
from real court records.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he
just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next
morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you
describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question,
interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr.
Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an
autopsy on him!
You won't go to jail
A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went
to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn?t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told
him, "Don?t worry. You?ll never have to go to jail with all that money.? And the
lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn?t have a dime.
Consultation fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher
shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a
dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher,
having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a
consultation.
That's a real bargain
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund
for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a
shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an
attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
Rules for hunting lawyers
Washington state attorney season and bag limits
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1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency
as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck,
remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine,
helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for
the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or
vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law
libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt,
trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection
for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug
dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
Excess billing hours
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to
where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and
one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your
clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Ounces of brain for sale
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He
sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this
particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of
these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
What type of tracks?
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The
second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Solving a dispute
Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one
spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it
and said, "It?s my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That?s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn?t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel
said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each
squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is
resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I?ll take the meat."
Lawyers take everything
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a
barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we
won."
Lawyers give irrelevant
information
Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is
engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they
drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they
descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the
other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That?s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise,
and entirely irrelevant."
The devil's offer
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can
arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income
five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll
have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require
in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's
souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
The bronze statues
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique
that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars
more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under
his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge
from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his
shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer
drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at
least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He
walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from
sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at
his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics
and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just
thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's
edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty
leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the
bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as
the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they
drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
What and who am I?
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest
pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began
to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be
given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since
birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating
concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had
never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not
know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that
he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the
rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to
describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few
moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear
feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny
rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the
favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he
asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you
squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're
a lawyer!"
There are no honest lawyers
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on
it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's
against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here
lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.
"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim,
"That's impossible!"
Here's your fee schedule
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down
and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"Your right. It's mine."
Unreasonable bill
A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to
itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner
to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with
you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."
Replacing lab rats with lawyers
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they
were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the
NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This
emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such
attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't
jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
You've changed my mind
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly?
Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I?m
beginning to think I didn?t."
Some last minute requests
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked,
"Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he
doubted that the man would survive the night.
The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked
for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the
other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for
several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus
died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."
Get money to heaven
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness
was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can?t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured
out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed
his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and
grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic
cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the
money in the basement."
Brain transplant
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after
he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money
there has been only one answer to that question."
Want to go into space?
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one
could go and couldn?t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for
going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2
million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the
other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer?s ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I?ll give you $1 million, I?ll
keep $1 million, and we?ll send the engineer to Mars."
Lawyer's personal injury
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway.
Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell
'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.