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A love for material goods
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to
himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving,
he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My
BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god,
your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
I just managed to settle an
account!
A young attorney who had taken over his father?s practice rushed home
elated one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I?ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living
off of that money for five years!"
An honest lawyer
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an
in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond
question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education
and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Did you make a donation?
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed
that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution.
This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not
call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United
Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an
invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident?
She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now
requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please
forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to
you!"
Free haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God?s work." The next
morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to
pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen
doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment,
saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a
dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Can I take his place?
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting
that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."
Lawyers on a flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an
emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still
going around passing out business cards."
Are you talking to me?
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting
attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted
five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
How's business?
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
"How?s business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles.
When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on
to the bumper."
What is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from
them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that
day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the
door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be
some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"
What is the oldest profession?
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among
them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician
said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve,
making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from
chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering
is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of
the chaos and confusion?"
Trying to be impressive
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to
impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come
through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm
sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look
into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He
then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for
you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
What's your wife's name?
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify
for admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had
been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even
married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same
question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible
glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on,
Penny, let?s get out of here."
Space photography
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new
Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some
time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you
can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Free advice at social affairs?
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor
was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor
mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never
know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a
social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer
replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also
sent one to the doctor.
I want to take money with me
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan
that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his
clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I
die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try
to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each
approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I
have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all
his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new
baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought
one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as
well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had
a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine,
but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of
the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I
know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into
that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
When you know you must really be
drunk
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a
double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another
double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his
pocket, the man told the bartender he?d had enough.
The bartender said, "I?ve got to ask you. What?s with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer?s picture in here, and when he starts to
look honest, I know I?ve had enough."
I suppose I earned enough
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish
downtown attorney?s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is
very complex," said the lawyer, "but I?ve made sure that all of your wishes will
be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking
the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man?s mistake, the lawyer ran
after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away.
Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the
situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an
hour?s work isn?t bad."
Lawyer's club
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old
legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very
happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we
broke in!"
What is two plus two?
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a
position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was
interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much
is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of
measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing,
"Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the
last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last
question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of
research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and
many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is
two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see
if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then
whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"
A variation
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the
candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or
minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for
the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone,
he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
Were you ever arrested?
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the
question: "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered no to the question.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a
yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."
Who owns the cows?
After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was
considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a
desk in the corner from which he could observe his father?s activities and be
introduced to his father?s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him
decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great
idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with
calloused hands who was dressed in workman?s clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many
years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised
the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the
understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr.
Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the
cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are
in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't
worry about the cows!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a
landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of
town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years,
tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to
me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant
farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In
short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't
worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the lawyer?s son could not help but express his concern.
"Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious
problem concerning these cows."
"Don?t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
Is there a way to thank you?
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after
he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money
there has been only one answer to that question."
Leaving money for the dead
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by
a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three
said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they?ll
have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar
bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the
bills and wrote a check for $300.