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Leaving money for the dead
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by
a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three
said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they?ll
have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar
bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the
bills and wrote a check for $300.
Question and answer jokes
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.
Question and answer jokes
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is a fish.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association
convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred
years.
Question and answer jokes
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third
to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most
toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.
Question and answer jokes
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
A: Not enough cement. Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll
called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to
demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate,
five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories,
two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to
bill for professional services.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of
lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Question and answer jokes
Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one
hits first?
A: Who cares? Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead
attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Question and answer jokes
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.
Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Question and answer jokes
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there
eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.
Question and answer jokes
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they?re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now she?s a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can?t understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Question and answer jokes
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers? word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
Arguing effectively
How to Argue Effectively
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any
topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties.
Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can
win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
-=- Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are
underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.
DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average
Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81
per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say:
"This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission
published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of
voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
-=- Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and
"i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians
would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me
put it this way. In terms of appetizers
vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so
to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
-=- Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy
wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
-=- Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you
are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly.
Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You
certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
From another planet
NO ZAMBODIANS, PLEASE: Judge Rules Out Prince Mongo's Costume
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A judge has ruled that a defendant can't show up for trial
wearing fur, bones, goggles and pale green body paint, even if he is from the
planet Zambodia.
But an attorney for the man who calls himself Prince Mongo wants to make a
federal case out of his client's 10-day jail sentence for contempt of court.
Slug PM-Prince Mongo. New, may stand. Federal court hearing starts at 1 p.m.
EDT.
Japan is in trouble
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into
Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that
powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of
one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan,
there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our
costliest surplus commodity?
What should they get?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to
one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his
wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to
charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"
Ask your question
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A
severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware
that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her
chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels
backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her
disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she
directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we
could start with an easier question".
Who handles cases?
Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory,
Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.
"If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If
you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.
If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my on,
who just graduated from law school, will take it!"
Tell the whole truth
`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the
witness. `Is anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honour,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects
Get away with murder
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years"
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days"
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3
days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
Seashore with family
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.
Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."
Steal from lawyers
Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing
notes on recent burglaries.
"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.
"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a
lawyer."
"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.
"Didja lose anything?"
Newest horror movie
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?"
It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.
The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?
Short legal laughs
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?
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Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.
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There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to
become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.
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Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No
one would build a robot to do nothing.
Tell the whole truth
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his
own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the
truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
Give him an orange
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his
better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go
about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then
recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular,
my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in,
said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights
and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same,
or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything
herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever
nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
Offer legal advice
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by
the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway,
and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me
to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to
split."
Helping a criminal
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets
arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.