HOME
Big ethical dilemma
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the
attorney charged her $100.
She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.
On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the
attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
A cold winter night
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching
tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.
He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's
lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business.
Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had
been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.
When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what
I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
Drinking too much
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a
double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another
double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his
pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"
The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look
honest, I've had enough."
Who would steal?
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of
them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the
safe!"
The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."
Light bulb lawyers
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking
for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to
a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the
area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at
an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement
between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his
option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation,
grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being
non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the
fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of
the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective
being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also
known as "Partnership."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to
demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate,
five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories,
two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to
bill for professional services.
Stupid attorneys
A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.
"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.
"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.
"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is
down and it?s starting to rain."
Fight to win a case
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to
represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case
was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: ?Justice prevailed.?
The senior partner replied in haste, ?Appeal immediately.?
Legal quotes & quips
When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.?
-- Lin Yutang
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
?Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.?
-- Ambrose Bierce
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.?
-- Benjamin Franklin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
?Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of
acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were
clearly and unmistakably innocent.?
-- Oscar Wilde
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
?In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.?
-- Lenny Bruce
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
?I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I
gained one.?
-- Voltaire
Introduce lawyers
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have
been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."
Lawyers on a jury
A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had
forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an
exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the
courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with
a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case
before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury
was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of
testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was
then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not
returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as
simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back
in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed
anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a
verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still
doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."
Talk to the judge
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had
made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the
judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another
repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his
ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are
saying is just going in one ear and out the other."
"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to
prevent it?"
Unfit words to hear
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,"
instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,"
she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
History of lawyers
Why God Created Lawyers
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not
fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day,
fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of
losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you.
People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it
is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to
make them stop blaming me?"
And so God created lawyers.
Keep that a secret
After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long,
luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he
was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since
they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school,
and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.
Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school.
It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for
yourself."
"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But
don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in
high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I
really make my money."
Halls of Justice
A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn't start. He called a
taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.
Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. "Where are
they," asked the driver.
"You mean to say that you don't know where the courthouse is?" asked the
incredulous judge.
"The courthouse? Of course I know where that is." replied the driver. "But I
thought you said you wanted to go to the 'halls of justice.'"
You're a lawyer if
You Might Be A Lawyer If....
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.
You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
Your other car is a BMW.
When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.
Demise of a partner
One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in
a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems
we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an law firm
partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you
want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", replied
the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the law partner in an
elevator and which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.
When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping
out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends -- including
lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away -- and they were all
dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.
After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who
was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her
day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved
good-bye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven.
The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and
she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,"
he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great
time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've
spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better
time in Hell."
St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to
Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of
flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and
welcomed her back.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was
a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a
great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are
miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today
you're an associate."
Learning a lesson
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's
footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned
home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and
worthy attorney.
At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and
said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever
-- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I
settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"
His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on
forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on
that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was
billing by the hour?"
Merry Christmas law
Merry Christmas in Legal Terms
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an
environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, and
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within
the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but
with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at
all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not
limited to, the Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures). The preceding wishes are extended
without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious
faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
Advice from lawyers
George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon.
However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind
quickly drifted from navigation to thoughts of how clouds look like cuddly
little bunny rabbits. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared,
"Lenny -- we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where
we are."
George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the
clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a
man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.
When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us
where we are?" The man on the ground yelledback, "You're in a balloon, about 100
feet up in the air."
George Called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer." "Gee, George," Lenny
replied, "How can you tell?" George answered, "Because the advice he gave us is
100% accurate, and is completely useless".
The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled
back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "you don't know where you
are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of
planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You
expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same
position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
Knowing the facts
The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred
in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting
cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit
that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While
the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in
exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the
credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations,
he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
"Did you actually see the accident?" he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of
collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked,
sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and
your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can
come into court and give that type of detail?"
The witness was unphased. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all
lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying
if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out
the exact distance
Need a new lawyer
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.