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Lightbulb joke collection 16
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs.
Now I have the housekeeper do it.
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have
always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free
market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let
those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the
dark].
Lightbulb joke collection 17
Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: Four--one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the
getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does
it.
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater
on the knee.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who who wants to know?
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just what exactly do you mean by that?
Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone
thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
Lightbulb joke collection 18
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to
learn more about how it's done.
Q: How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been
privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.
Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of
the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years
ago.
Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.
Lightbulb joke collection 19
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the
lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the
arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at
Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both
arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed
the lightbulb.
Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the
lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the
tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5)
reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't
be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase
the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should
have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the
dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since
the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make
up a sign : 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether
to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing
association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world
champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working
party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman
then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms
off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL).
The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under
FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light),
LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match
the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer
lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane
player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb,
but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him,
and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.
Note: Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to a lot of
recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.
Lightbulb joke collection 20
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a
crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and
ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a
replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula
IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk,
Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty
warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security
men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native
throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the
natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which
has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs
which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the
chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with
the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk
wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his
daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic
illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and
is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe
is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the
diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law
when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights
them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing
party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last
commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together
on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened.
That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the
episode ends.
Lightbulb joke collection 21
Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.
Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isn't too easy.
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.
Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !
Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too "Short".
Lightbulb joke collection 22
Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three
millimetres off it first.
Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and
some great sex.
Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and
should be thrown away.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief
process.
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
Lightbulb joke collection 23
Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in
to do it for them while they're out.
Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give
the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs - unless they're a legitimate
business expense.
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Lightbulb joke collection 24
Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again
tomorrow anyway.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and
bring light to the world.
Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your
work for you ? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me
questions.
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Huh? The light's out?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: What lightbulb?
Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
Lightbulb joke collection 25
Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met:
The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study
the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A
fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority
groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and
congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb.
The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other
party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new
bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue
Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page
report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce
light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will
investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian
light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval
officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright
light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them
will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling
the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free
kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every
one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light
bulb changed almost single-handedly.
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide
what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of
Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to
sell into slavery when the directions aren't stuck to, and they end up in
entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost
through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to
the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to
cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large,
sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to
throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style,
got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to
change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism,
sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
Q: How many Contract Bridge players does it take to change a Light Bulb?
A: Five. One to change it; their partner to stare at them in complete confusion;
one opposing player to ask the partner what they think the changer means by
this; the other opponent to complain to the tournament director that there was a
deliberate hesitation before the light bulb was changed; and the tournament
director to agree and have the old bulb put back in.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: Topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won't, because:
Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew
how many.
Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.
Lightbulb joke collection 26
Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to
it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb costs
three million dollars.
Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent
satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There's no evidence that the change is due to evolution. What use would a
mutation that produced part of a filament be?
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Evolution can only produce different shapes of light bulbs; it can never
change it into an animal.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, the new one and the old one.
Lightbulb joke collection 27
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Note: I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt
Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more complete
explanation arrived in my mailbox : - A Goedel Number is one of several ways to
encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that
matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if the machine
knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the
mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his famous theorem, I
believe.)
Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?
Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway.
Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nobody knows. They can't figure out what to wear to change one.
Lightbulb joke collection 28
Q: How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!
Q: How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends, which household does it belong to?
Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a
foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.)
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Note: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their
economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were
more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government
economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle
would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently
whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.)
Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University of
Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)
Lightbulb joke collection 29
Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist
who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his
theories.)
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until one of them
figures out to turn it off.
Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it
on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the
manipulation.
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to
concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to
concur with the dissenters in part.
Lightbulb joke collection 30
Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?
Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern
invention.
Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be
flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of
delivering uninterrupted light.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve
the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into
French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians
have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status
Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go
over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and
not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect
taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case
of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know
how to do it.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big
stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to
celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can
all watch his moose moult.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out "Get Back!, Get
Back!".