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Lightbulb joke collection 31
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to screw in the bulb and the other nine for crowd control.
Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest
event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't going to
hatch.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
Lightbulb joke collection 32
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to
be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs !
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they
wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they
can't see.
Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three--One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead
fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and
one to complain about the waiting period.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one
to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
Lightbulb joke collection 33
Q: What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in
common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around
such that none of this gets caught on camera.
Q: How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the ring,
1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and it all only
takes 91 seconds!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and
shouting "Objection !"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw
a bulb...
Lightbulb joke collection 34
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or
negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first
place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb
manufacturers.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to
demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate,
five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories,
two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to
bill for professional services.
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to
drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them
to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it
worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of
the gutter press.)
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from
under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes
and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the
floor pretending to be really injured.
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's
back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Lightbulb joke collection 35
Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket
over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
Q: How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top
sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding "their"
team) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and make
the world revolve around it.
Q: How many striking baseball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. All those replacement bulbs are scabs!
Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much
better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.
Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto
it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at
the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far
it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose
function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the
complete indifference of the bulb changers.
Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
Lightbulb joke collection 36
Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was
lit up.
Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of
the change.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending
resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about
it.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None--just assume it's changed.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
Lightbulb joke collection 37
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many alt.fan.star-trek readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Illogical. We don't have such dated devices anymore.
Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.
Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
Lightbulb joke collection 38
Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.
Q: How many people of the anti-matter Universe does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: Minus 2. -1 to change the bulb, -1 to have a fight with Captain Kirk.
Q: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: None. They never finish the job and they refuse to tell you why.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I was up
there !"
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner
according to the part they're playing (See the formula @ the start.)
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
Lightbulb joke collection 39
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many Hell's Angels does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. But do you really want to hang upside down with a light bulb up
your ass for asking??
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store
where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be
working a bit better the next time they see it.
Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.
Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the
replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate
operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one.
Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department.
Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. Job
booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually or with
other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5)
fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene
of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns
to department and reports back. He completes work ticket putting this in
writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance department to see whether order
carried out. Then checked to see task completed in time set out under department
guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against
department work plan. Details go into department's workload report.
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and
yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc...) But they only get three attempts.
Lightbulb joke collection 40
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"
Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the
lights off.
Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the
new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
Lightbulb joke collection 41
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ?
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not
the lightbulb exists.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Define "lightbulb".
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem,
such as "Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we
see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it looks up at
you, thinks 'What are you doing ?', and walks off. But if you have a dog, it's
looking up at you and thinking 'Well, I dunno what you're doing, but I love you
anyway.'
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely euthanized.
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do
anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each
phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically
different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing
points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes
(what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who
believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that
action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible
actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else
has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out
without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two
statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one
pragmatist to ignore the bureaucratic piles of paperwork and replace the bad
bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping
count in their heads just to make absolutely sure what it really does add up to
66.
Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to
"light bulb".
Lightbulb joke collection 42
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're never in the dark.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to change the bulb, three to watch him work, one to supervise, one
to make the tea, and two to phone in to say that they can't make it in to work
today.
Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to
withdraw its labour.
Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be
a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
Lightbulb joke collection 43
Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.
Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates
them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to
rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the
old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done
to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and
makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new
bulb.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
Lightbulb joke collection 44
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door.
But if not observed, they come in waves.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time
interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to
design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw
itself in.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
Lightbulb joke collection 45
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten
times as much for the same procedure!!
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and
one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery
later.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nurse!
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.