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Lightbulb joke collection 46
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One if at home, but on school time, four.
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up
the pieces.
Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible urge
to change it!
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the
government for the house.
Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to
organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo
Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
Lightbulb joke collection 47
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That's what research students are for.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling,
one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one
to hire a student to do the work.
Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks
for a new one.
Q: Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
A: He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.
Q: How many George Smillivitches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, becouse tough girls aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it, and one
of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices that
it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has
to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
Note: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.)
Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch
the old bulb burn.
Lightbulb joke collection 48
Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a lightbulb out over here."
Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they have a service come in and do that.
Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in
the Sixties.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the
environmental impact.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.
This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of students
during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that only one student
was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch had crowded round to
watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work.
Lightbulb joke collection 49
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power
plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the
bulb's name.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. And optionally, we
may add one fraternity to start the "wet T-shirt" contest!
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that
still have car-inspection laws.)
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until
one is found that isn't defective.
Lightbulb joke collection 50
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was
politically correct.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.
Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to revolve around
him.
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
Lightbulb joke collection 51
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it
with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet
mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet
from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 51. One to screw in the bulb, one to notice some small detail of the
bulb-screwing and tie it into the Publius Enigma, 15 more to expand on his
point, 12 to flame him, 10 to argue that you're not really screwing in a light
bulb, that only Roger Waters can screw in a light bulb, 8 more to say that Dave
Gilmour can screw in a light bulb better than Roger ever could, two to say that
the best way to screw in a bulb is if Dave and Roger do it together, one to say
that Syd Barrett is actually the best bulb-screwer, and of course one newbie to
ask what Publius is, who will be subsequently referred to the FAQ, which he will
then ask where to find.
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they
don't do anything in the first place.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or
similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting)
is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on
mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to
buy the new one.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were
going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organizing
each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.
Lightbulb joke collection 52
Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an
hour while the others read out all the announcements.
Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask
Michio Kushi for instructions.
Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the
ambulance.
Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think
beautiful thoughts.
Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the
packaging.
Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know. I forgot my calculator at home.
Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to
phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
Lightbulb joke collection 53
Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should
join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new lightbulb - (the
Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in... and twenty to have a pissup
after to celebrate a good days work...
Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have their parents do it for them.
Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?
Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to
demonstrate on the streets.
Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: None. That's a second year subject.
Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing
whether he/she is taking the right approach.
Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
Lightbulb joke collection 54
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the
guest list.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man,
if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who
owns the socket.
Lightbulb joke collection 55
Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they
could have done it better.
Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal
chords. Have the bassist do it."
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to
understand.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss
of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and
one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how good
the old one was.
Q: How many barbershoppers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 7. 1 to change the light bulb, 4 to sing about how much they miss the old one
and 2 to sell tickets to the "afterglow".
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.
Lightbulb joke collection 56
Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get
onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do.
Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.
Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Eight. Square dancers do everything in groups of eight.
Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the
dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is
distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the remaining crowd so they
will not try to grab the bulb.
Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't get up that high.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better
Michael Brecker would have done it.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn
would've done it.
Lightbulb joke collection 57
Q: How many members of Marillion does it take to change a
light-bulb?"
A: Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish (as in the
ubiquitous surrealists joke,) but in fact the answer was only 2, but first they
had to figure out how Genesis would have done it. Apparently this would be
hilarious to fans of these groups, who believe Marillion to be Genesis copycats.
Q: How many members of Take That does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They can't sing, they can't dance so what makes you think they can change a
lightbulb?
Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done
that !"
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit
differently.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It can't be done. They only know how to twist things to the right.
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to
elbow him out of the spotlight.
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
Lightbulb joke collection 58
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if
you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb
out which is much better.
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
Lightbulb joke collection 59
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just
be pushed in.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but only after asking "Why?"
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they
figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill
Monroe would have done it.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it again anyway
after everybody else is done.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
Lightbulb joke collection 60
Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and the
other to play harp.
Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb, and four to play sad, blue songs about
the old, wornout lightbulb.
Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck
Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting
stuck...
Q: How many comp.sys.intel readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 0.999999875
Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new
one.