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Lightbulb joke collection 61
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the
bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and
feel" of the bulb changing method.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so
he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a
third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Did you try rebooting with extensions off ?
Note: On the Macintosh, types of crashes can sometimes be attributed to
not-quite-compatible extensions. One way to find out if one of the extensions is
at fault in a crash is to reboot with extensions off and see if it crashes
again.
Q: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to sniff the first ones' butt.
Q: How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. As long as she can get under your feet and trip you up while you're
changing it.
Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains
and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
Lightbulb joke collection 62
Q: How many battery chickens does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 21. 1 to change the bulb, and 20 to provide the current.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
Q: Why did the lightbulb cross the road ?
A: Because it saw 2 elephants coming.
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.
Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change the
switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.
Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to
save electricity.
Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
Lightbulb joke collection 63
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to
observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb
and screw it in.
Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it...
Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
Lightbulb joke collection 64
Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one to
bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
Q: How many [cricket] Test Match Special commentators does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it, one to eat the lovely chocolate cake sent in by the
Bournemouth Womens Institute, one to say "Now when was the last time we had to
change a light bulb on-air - wasn't it 1989 at Lords ?" and one to comment on
the lovely red bus going down the Oxford Road.
Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive
Christmas tree decoration.
Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in
question.
Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we just
find them.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
Lightbulb joke collection 65
Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2]" he'll mash both the live and
dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!
Q: How many software vendors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and re-wire
your sockets to suit the new bulb.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of
license fee (binary only).
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it,
and the others call for a planning session.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their
subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the
only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt
soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just
wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb version
6.1..."
Lightbulb joke collection 66
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first.
Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours--3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all
the libraries...
Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001
Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his
light-bulb in THEIR socket.
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.
Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
Lightbulb joke collection 67
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends : If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as
many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for
each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it
only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG,
so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to
report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus,
SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface
in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb
after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and
PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted
twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure)
and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight,
one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the
lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another
year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where
120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one
to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually
insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is
fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy
of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the
lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the
number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we
need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the
entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the
lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself,
another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on
twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and
incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color,
polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a
Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more
to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
Lightbulb joke collection 68
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals
doesn't tip over.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15
manuals on the shelf.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the)
output.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
Note: SAS is a 4GL. It stands for the Statistical Analysis System and is a huge
conglomerate of programs and procedures for doing a wide variety of statistical
and semi-statistical analyses (not to mention reporting the results, graphing
them, etc.). It is infamous for its huge array of thick manuals which are
difficult to wade through, and hence one can spend a lot of time trying to find
the tiny feature that will do what you want. Cary is the town in North Carolina
where SAS Inc is based, and where SAS support staff are.)
Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light
bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make
sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Lightbulb joke collection 69
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "The user can work it out."
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be
working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working
fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is
it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light
switch?
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has
assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any
future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes
available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician
before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
Lightbulb joke collection 70
Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: Why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You'd've thought
they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger about with
it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? *Blush*
Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb
Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his
brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer
Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its
the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs.
Q: How many fat-cat factory owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The replacement bulbs have refused to cross the union picket lines.
Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
Q: How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly
colored machine tools.
Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
Lightbulb joke collection 71
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change
the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it
before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld
of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "And that's magic !"
Q: How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San
Francisco?
A: Both of them.
Lightbulb joke collection 72
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it
after the ensuing publicity.
Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his
greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and
one to maintain it afterwards.
Lightbulb joke collection 73
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit
testing, it stops working.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: The change is 90% complete.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to
maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can
get the [insert name here] software ready to ship to customers, and that's
higher priority, you know.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to
correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one lightbulb
librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to
turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to
tender for another light bulb change,...
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of
kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as "None.
It's a hardware problem.")
Lightbulb joke collection 74
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to
explain why the project was late.
Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Farm.
Note: Refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques of the
past.
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
Q: How many alt.freaks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just all move into a room with a working light.
Lightbulb joke collection 75
Q: How many alt.anagrams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to say it can't be done because there aren't enough vowels, one to
be clever and change "a lightbulb" into "bull bit hag", and one to try and sell
copies of the "Anagram for Windows" program he wrote.
Q: How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes about
it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if that's really THE Terry Or
colette or both, and then to realise that the speed of light can't be measured,
except in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it and ask if
anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the hedgehog song...
Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two-fifty.
Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send
him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, who'll do it for food.
Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up
three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his back, and realize
where the light bulb went.
Q: How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
A: None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot exist to be
screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb...