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Lightbulb joke collection 76
Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent
frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!
Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a
while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects
a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes
out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent
among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.
Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the
wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ... Captain Nitpick will want to point
out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in
with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old
bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few
minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all
over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to 100.
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no
one notices it's been changed so they change it again and again and then they
even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first,
pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame,
pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, and is parodying the
old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand
that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be
changed again, since they missed seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit
excessive, but it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying to put the
old bulb back in.
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten
to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in
saying "Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post in saying "Our
news software hasn't been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke.
Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?", one to post in quoting
everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another
ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I
don't get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ?", one to post in after two
months "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ?", one to repost it
a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get it. What's the
punchline ?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these? I'm starting a list,
so please send me all your lightbulb jokes", and one to cross-post the joke to
alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in
here ?" and accompanied by all of our old favourites like "How many
programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.", three to ask, a month later,
"What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?", and any number to revive
the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing in
the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb with a
slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain that it was
not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by displaying the
canonical collection of bulbs.
Lightbulb joke collection 77
Q: How many sci.math readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Pi. Two hold the ladder, one the bulb, but something irrational remains about
it.
Q: How many alt.tla readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One-no! Six is!
Q: How many alt.newbie readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Me! Me too! Me too!
Q: How many alt.fan.hofstadter readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They have special lightbulbs that screw themselves.
Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 42.
Q: How many alt.alien.visitors readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. (screw screw screw) Aargh! The light! I'm being abducted!
Q: How many alt.1d readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm, yes, very funny, but what has this got to do with 1d ?
Q: How many alt.spam readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, if you buy our newest ACME Lightbulb screwer, for only $10, from XPOSTS
R US, Velveeta, Ca, USA. Contact now!
Lightbulb joke collection 78
Q: How many alt.test readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One postmaster and 100 autoresponder mailbombs.
Q: How many alt.atheism readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to screw the bulb, one to prove that it exists anyway.
Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One screws in the lightbulb, but seven more do too, due to a software
bug.
Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to say "ME
TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a
lightbulb.
Q: How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off that
no one ever has enough time to get anything done !
Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 300--one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasn't been done
already !
Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it
take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
Lightbulb joke collection 79
Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb
joke?
A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the
net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed
detectably since the last transmission is .2. Hence (assuming independence,
which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know
it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability
that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb
jokes to change a light bulb joke.
A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: How many members of the royal family does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "Actually none. As your queen I would like to reassure the people of the
commonwealth that while our family may have had our Annus Horribilis and while
some of us may have screwed in the stables or in the mud, none of us, to my
knowledge, have actually screwed in a lightbulb."
Q: How many Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That depends on how far up the succession list the lightbulb is. For
lightbulbs within 50 (+or-5) of the throne, the total can be approximated by (10
000/n) where n = place in succession list.
Q: How many Austrailian Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but there is only one and she is old and not feeling that well
these days so ... hurry!
Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: [Ahem] We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
Lightbulb joke collection 80
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb.
Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No! You mean it was one of ours?!
Notes : Topical to the shooting down of two allied helicopters over Iraq.
Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.
Lightbulb joke collection 81
Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.
Q: How many Timothy McVeigh's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first you have to strip the insulation off of the electrical
cord, wrap it around his legs a couple of times, then plug it in. If Mr. McVeigh
is holding the light bulb at this time, it should glow quite nicely.
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim
responsibility in phone call to the news media.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's
bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the
ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes
in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the
American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to
commandeer a building with working lights.
Lightbulb joke collection 82
Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six--four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the
old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"
Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily
after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere,
and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish
it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the
ordinary is happening.
Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city
turns up to watch.
Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.
Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse
it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature,
and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to
revive it.
Lightbulb joke collection 83
Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find
out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to
coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb,
one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to
apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work,
of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps
several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a
disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him)
gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the
crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the
function is exponential is not known.
Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
Lightbulb joke collection 84
Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six
months anyway.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One--but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the
operation is started.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for
every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Lightbulb joke collection 85
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt
out.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to
the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"
Lightbulb joke collection 86
Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"
Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.
Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for
publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last
Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and
smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old
lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy
Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to
buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on
St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty
to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to
Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the
Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss'
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's
uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it
real cheap for me once.
Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the
Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it
makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)
Lightbulb joke collection 87
Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: One, but don't expect results.
Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.
Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.
Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's
right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.
Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 1960s.
Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--New Haven looks better in the dark!
Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you'll know it really does.
Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One--and that's what his degree will be in!
Note: Because Brown has no real core curriculum.
Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume.
Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others,
and it's very preprofessional.
Lightbulb joke collection 88
Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: Sigh. The Alumni pay people to do things like that for us.
Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.
Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
A: I don't know, let me call my maid.
Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.
Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get
after they graduate.
Note: Not meant to offend students at the Indiana University.
Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?
Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb,
and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
Q: How many tight wads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these
technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.
Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four--One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
Lightbulb joke collection 89
Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. I've
answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think
the American people are tired of light bulb jokes.
Q: How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb in or not!
Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his lightbulb to
Iran.
Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
Lightbulb joke collection 90
Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15--One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone
hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination
of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the
first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after
it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to
insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being
disinformation specialists.
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The
bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter
administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a
Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to
replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to
pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a
special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing
in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but
the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb."
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a military secret.