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Lightbulb joke collection 91
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of
military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next
question, please.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the
other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five--one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the
Environmental Impact Statement.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a
requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk
to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to
order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a
receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the
difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems
inconsistent.
Lightbulb joke collection 92
Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. "I'm not changing a thing"
Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query
them.
Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without
checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse
its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the
next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with
the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been
thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one
to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
Note: Several of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was
meant by them.
Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity!
Note: Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.
Lightbulb joke collection 93
Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit
gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...
Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: One, but they're really three.
Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old
bulbs.
Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger
King burger."
Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobody's looking, just
to be certain.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
A: About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the
result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he
cannot change it, right?
Lightbulb joke collection 94
Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be
architecturally accurate.
Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the
left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and
put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right,
and to the right, and to the right..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne
had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy
alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met
himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so
that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the
entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They
co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex
exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the
removed lightbulb.
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice
versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and
change the room. It's all relative.
Lightbulb joke collection 95
Q: How many "Changing lightbulbs"-joke writers does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't--figured that out yet.
Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
Q: How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early next
month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then left and then
right. No, thanks, anytime."
Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled
addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
Q: How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's of no interest to them.
Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there
and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate !
Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
Lightbulb joke collection 96
Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four--one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.
Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around complaining about it and one to go get the
manager.
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty
Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note : Topical to successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the
NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.
Lightbulb joke collection 97
Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One--but he has to wait until the light is better.
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old
bulb.
Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The invisible hand does it.
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for
illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the
lightbulb lighting up again."
Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have
already caused it to happen.
Lightbulb joke collection 98
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on the wage rate.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we
not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic,
and ethnic communities.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the
environment.
Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the
last one went out.
Lightbulb joke collection 99
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the
state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow
production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order
an American light bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!
Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in
the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two--one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure
the issues.
Lightbulb joke collection 100
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to
pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special
interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so
only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional
ammendment.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle
screwing one extra lightbulb.
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't
even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when
the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other
candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light
in general, any form of energy.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in
a lightbulb ?
A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it
unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put
thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb
Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any
incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
Lightbulb joke collection 101
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take
to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag
my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American
people resent it.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in
a lightbulb ?
A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth
solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I
hope not.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in
a lightbulb ?
A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the
same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I
suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor,
I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder
and I turn it.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in
a lightbulb ?
A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at best. I'm
more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had
Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today
don't have enough silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into
the American Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans
can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering
Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead.
Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs,
and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must
make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure
a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt
security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the
natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in
orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to
escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and
as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they
can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in
time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise
continues with its five year mission.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do
it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding
illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a
doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security
men to die in the process.
Lightbulb joke collection 102
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely
and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry
way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by
the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall
include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his
option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation,
grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being
non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with
every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the
structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural
failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this
agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the
fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of
the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs
and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective
being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the
aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and
revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
Lightbulb joke collection 103
Q: How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the goal state, One
to define the operators, One to describe the universal problem solver, One to
hack the production system, One to indicate about how it is a model of human
lightbulb changing behaviour], The logical formalism group (16): [One to figure
out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic, One to figure out
how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic, One to show the
adequacy of FOL, One to show the inadequacy of FOL, One to show that lightbulb
logic is non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't non-monotonic, One to show how
non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL, One to determine the bindings for
the variables, One to show the completeness of the solution, One to show the
consistency of the solution, One to show that the two just above are incoherent,
One to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest a parallel
theory of lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show that the parallel theory
isn't complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate
how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call the
electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision system to
recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system to locate a new bulb, One
to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it, One to figure out
how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to rotate 360+ degrees,
One to figure out how to make the universal joint go the other way, One to
figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to the socket, One to
organize the construction teams, One to hack the planning system, One to get
Westinghouse to sponsor the research, One to indicate about how the robot mimics
human motor behaviour in lightbulb changing], The knowledge engineering group
(6): [One to study electricians' changing lightbulbs, One to arrange for the
purchase of the lisp machines, One to assure the customer that this is a hard
problem and that great accomplishments in theory will come from his support of
this effort (The same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study related
research, One to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb
changing behaviour, One to call the lisp hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One
to bring up the chaos net, One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the
group's political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make incompatible
changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke, One to rehack the Lisp
editor/debugger, One to rehack the window package, Another to fix the compiler,
One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp dialect, Another to rehack
the window package properly, One to flame on BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the
microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of code required to change the
lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One to build an apparatus which will
time lightbulb changing performance, One to gather and run subjects, One to
mathematically model the behaviour, One to call the expert systems group, One to
adjust the resulting system, so that it drops the right number of bulbs.
Lightbulb joke collection 104
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a
tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture,
remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model
of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry
truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry
truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Please let us know!
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends; what color is the bulb?
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That needs to be
in there somewhere as a qualifier!
Lightbulb joke collection 105
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual,
and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite
peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine, another
to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify earning such
swingeing fees...
Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a
help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will
announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine
and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light
bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the
help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to
pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object
would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have
to do is send a light bulb change message.
Lightbulb joke collection 106
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because
they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"
Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: All of them. Bones to say "Its dead Jim", Uhura to send a distress signal,
Sulu to listen to Chekov saying "Light bulbs vere really an old russian
invention", Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early demise
of the light bulb, Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in
a lightbulb ?
A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we
haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I
challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old
light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush
look like Rambo.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in
a lightbulb ?
A: (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it
only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea
have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see how they
like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.