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The tradition at weddings
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why
does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the
happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing
black?"
An organization that makes men
fear marriage
The British had an organization that Americans are now considering
adopting.
It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was
highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.
The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to
marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud
pack.
Like Father, Like Husband?
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers,
it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
A sudden change of mind
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our
engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You
hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another
woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a
new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
Kids at the Wedding
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for
the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why
he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
Wedding preparation guidelines
Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the
local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A
high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education
completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that
was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the
ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify
where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free
stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something
like "You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on
March 14, 2000." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can
always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th
of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and
Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our
weddin'."
Proper attire:
For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may
look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe.
Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show
the world how big "they" are.
For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference
between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For
example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a
natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
The ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At
the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two
should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too
long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.
Reception:
Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since
that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet
before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference
between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.
When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!
Common wedding questions and answers
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.
Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the
children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children
in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
A man is almost about to die
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot
die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole
marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other
women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the
poison?"
May I borrow your dog for a few
days?
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral
procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My
Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there
anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get
in line."
My daughter is your reward
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept
them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful
daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during
the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man
here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim
across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!!
There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of
fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for
his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some
minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be
done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one
million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I
want the person who pushed me in that water!"
Top ten things not to say on
your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring
about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this
year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll
shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in
love.
Be afraid if you annoy this
husband
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy
courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the
beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream,
the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream,
the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally,
he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their
ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a
fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states,
"That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing
on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his
wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in
the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and
shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her
husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
Dangerous and sometimes fatal
traditions
In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at
weddings, a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding
in the Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding fourteen
of them.
I think I'll stick to the tradition of throwing rice--it seems much less
dangerous.
I have "great" news for you
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I
have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house
instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that
you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
Why can't you be like that?
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in
next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house,
he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a
dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Problems from the start
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on
his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as
everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my
dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes
hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a
hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then
John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
Someone really stinks
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in
the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell
my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find
out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell
my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from
him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's
bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks
into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his
arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've
a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
University courses for men and
women
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand
each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females
understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is
required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other
Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain
About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.