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Too much speeding
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding
down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you
that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets
back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
I just needed to use your car
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their
car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then,
a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be
found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to
a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife
was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the
hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's
concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home
late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from
thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door
reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through
college somehow, don't I?"
A staged wedding to bust dealers
As supposedly reported on CNN:
Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be
known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).
The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the
guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards), and
the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.
The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The
last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The
Law Won"
What is the most damaging food?
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what
lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your
idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
A very desperate marriage
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to
her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of
course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid
he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on
the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
Going crazy with confusion
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a
patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the
following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done
it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married
her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who
was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my
stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my
uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's
mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that
I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my
step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also
my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied:
"Move over!"
How have times changed?
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the
altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!
What will the neighbors think?
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took
place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of
the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the
lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Marriage studies findings
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common
form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
Getting revenge with marriage
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer
Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
A kid's view on marriage
What Exactly Is Marriage?
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to
her parents" -Eric, six years old
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He
says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and
get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes,
but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't
wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try
the next one." -Kelly, nine years old
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll
find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years
old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but
their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to
find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what
kind." -Jeremy, eight years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig,
nine years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and
her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten
years old
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody
sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome
boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to
clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need
that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old
Some practical jokes
Smaller or larger tuxedo
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical
joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for
the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo.
After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four
sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up
to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and
deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.
The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk
about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.
Write on the bottom of shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the
groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt
down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only
work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make
sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to
right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is
dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.
Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with
varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing
arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)
Cheap plastic rings
A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the
room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just
went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable
customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your
group it would.
I'll just call my lawyer about this
Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the
minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married,
speak now or forever hold your peace."
They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my
lawyer!" It rattled the groom's mother so much that she fainted.
A secret pregnant lover
At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud
eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room
screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't
marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I
am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.
One way ticket across the country
A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the
wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening,
everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who
promptly passed out in a corner of the room.
When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or
money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was
worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he
found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of
his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.
The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was
barely able to stay awake long enough to say "I do".
Return your keys
Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several
girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the
guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a
good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to
please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them)
slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and
flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or
seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom
on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.
Variation of return your keys
Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends
of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then,
during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that
since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment
should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen
pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same
announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would
both walk up with their key.
Do you already have a child?
During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part
about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up
now or forever hold your peace..." have this four-to-six year old boy running up
the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who played this
joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.
Cigarette problems
At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride)
thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down
the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to
get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom
he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his
own hand. Good wedding.
Balloons
Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium
balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.
Add some peanuts
If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam
peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.
Impossible to drive away
Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks.
When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and
rev.
Brake wired to the horn
The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake
was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was
going on and had to return to fix it.
I deserve to be married
For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant "ex-girlfriend" appear
at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her
child and demanding *she* should be the one to be married. The one I saw even
had a bunch of dead flowers with her!
Who has the ring?
When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he
doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same
question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker
Jacks that contained the wedding ring.
The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last
laugh. It was truely classic.
Laughing gas in balloons
At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons--all
filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove
box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But
balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they
enjoyed the trick.
The government cuts costs
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and
her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard
about in the paper.
"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our
government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are
going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss
your mother being gone."
This wife is too jealous
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one
night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so
now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying,
"She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"