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A way to save your marriage
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save
your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
Don't take any chances
A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's
death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.
He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
What a large crowd
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of
people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was
there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it.
On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into
your eyes."
The girl was very flattered.
What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
Flying in the plane
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had
been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each
time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would
say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue
out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once
he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll
tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is
on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading
to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just
the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the
airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten
dollars."
Going to the office
Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture
and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there
be greater than this one?"
Finding perfect men
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of
the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical.
Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Getting into fights
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a
word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede
their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked,
"Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
Have long marriages
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight
dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
Gift for a birthday
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she
told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a
bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with
instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was
such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
Getting into fights
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days
earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his
pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"
Wife was mad at me
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn off the light!
Subjects for a date
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to
talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These
are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in
front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's
nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's
suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a
brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the
girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"