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The Patient
A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the
nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move -- I'll be right
back."
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How
did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" Then the man said, "I
hiccupped."
Fingers
A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten
fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there told him,
“Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'.”
“But I don't have the fingers!”
“What! You don't have the fingers!?” said the doctor, “You should have brought
them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsugery
and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.”
“But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.”
Lamaze Class
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the
plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to
go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his
hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
American Technology
A group of doctors were at a convention in Switzerland. The topic of discussion
was the new medical technology from their countries.
'In my country," a German doctor said, "medicine is so advanced, we can perform
heart surgery on a person on Monday, and have him back to work in 2 weeks."
"That's nothing," a Japanese doctor said. "We can perform an appendectomy on a
person on Tuesday, and have him back in work by Saturday."
"That's nothing!" said an American doctor. "We can take an asshole from
Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country is out of work the
next day!"
Hemophiliac and Virgin
Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
A: One prick and they're done.
Regularity
Woman: I have a problem.
Doctor: Well, are you regular?
Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number
two at 8:30.
Doctor: So, what's the problem?
Woman: I don't get up untill 9:30.
Two Things In The Air
What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
Her feet!
Rover the Brick
A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a
dog leash. He decides to go and humor him. He walks up to the man and says,
''Hello, sir, I like your dog!''
The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, ''It's not a dog, it's
a brick.''
The policeman replies, ''Oh, sorry, I thought you were a bit mad,'' and walks
off rather puzzled.
As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, ''That
fooled him, didn't it Rover?''
Yo mama's so Fat
Yo' mama so fat, her doctor said she had a flesh-eating disease and told her she
had 13 years to live!
The Waiting Room
This woman is rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Her husband waits
patiently in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and
asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room this time
asking for a screwdriver. The man grows worried and begins to pace in circles.
Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a
hammer, at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied terror, runs up to the
surgeon and asks, ''Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?''
"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."
The Shooting
An old lady's husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live
anymore. She called the doctor and asked excactly where her heart was. He told
her it should be under her left breast.
That night she went to the emergency room with a shot in the knee.
Old Age
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one
said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do
you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just
wet myself.''
Crazy Little Critters...
Q. How do crabs leave the hospital?
A. On crotches!
Lawyers Aren't The Only Ones To
Object
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Shaggy Duck Story
What did one duck say to the other?
What?
"Social Security!"
I don't get it.
You won't till you're 65...
Old People And Nastiness
A very old couple wanted to have children, so they went to their doctor and told
him their problem. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill
it up. About a week later, the couple came back.
"I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand
until it gave out," said the man.
"And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still
can't get the lid off the jar."
Mixed Breed
What do you get if you breed a pitbull terrier with Lassie?
A dog that will chew your arm off but then run for help!
Call on an Expert
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed
a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a
doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they
consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he
could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and
patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the
quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an
expert!” The man replied, “No sir I'm just a tax collector.”
Rhoids
"How are your hemorrhoids?"
"Swell."
She's So Blonde... Blood Test
She is so blonde that she studied for a blood test -- and failed.