HOME
I have good news and bad news
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to
hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your
slippers.
Is she feeling any better?
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten
quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What should I do then?
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more
points?
Doctor: Sell!
Benefits of having Alzheimer's
disease
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting.
The prison hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen,
tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me
out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
How much will this cost me?
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Doctor! I swallowed a pillow!
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Letters from charities
I am always getting those return address labels from charities
wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to
put my street name on them!
Would you please do me a favor?
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most
painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't
want to miss the four o'clock ball game
I can't find the cause of your
pain
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I
can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
An invisible man is here to see
you
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
Bad temper problem
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I
keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Will I live any longer?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live
longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
People are ignoring me
A patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
I want to lose some weight
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local
doctor.
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
A doctor is complaining to a
mechanic
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times
more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since
Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
Can I play the piano once these
are off?
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The
patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged
hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
A man with a glass eye is here
to see you
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye
named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
The results of the X-ray
Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
Will this operation hurt me at
all?
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
A very interesting fact
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the
human body?
Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
Get a heart transplant
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
Preventive medicine belief
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
Do you have a solution?
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
I have bad and very bad news
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to
live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad
news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Did you take the patient's
temperature?
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
We need to help these people
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!