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Joke Written By and For Retards
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to
the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag
and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to
see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working
when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg
gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes
it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his
chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill
cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and
off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag,
and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his
friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says,
"Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a
plastic bag and he suffocated."
Little Big Fart
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't
come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ''Big chief, no
fart.''
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tommorrow to tell
him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.'' The
doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ''Big chief, no fart.''
The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ''If this doesn't work then
nothing will.''
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, ''Well, did it work?''
The messenger boy says, ''Big fart, no chief!"
A GUT-WRENCHING FART STORY
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of
marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts
out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he
would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that
night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long
hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my
guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM
BACK IN THERE.
Doctors, Nurses, Lightbulbs
Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve: One to do it. one to chart it. ten to write the policy and procedure.
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty: one primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists to take it
apart and look at it under a microscope.
Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear
a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me
is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde.
The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde
joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to
have to explain it five times."
Playing Doctor
A little boy and girl were playing doctor. The little boy boldly pulled off his
shirt and pointed to his nipples.
"I've got two of these," he said. "How about you?" The little girl opened her
blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy pointed to his belly button. The
little girl looked down showed him her belly button. So the little boy dropped
his drawers and pointed to his penis. The little girl raised her skirt and
pulled her underwear to the side, but search as she might she couldn't find that
particular organ. The little boy taunted her till she ran home to her mommy. She
returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face.
"My mommy told me that when I am 15 years old, I'll have as many of those as I
want!"
Sperm Counting
There was this guy that went to the doctor to get is sperm counted.The lady
behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He
says, "Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar.
She says, "Nothing's in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried
with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happend. I called
my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her
left hand. Nothing still happend. Well, we called our neighbor and she came
over, and she tried with her right hand ans she tried with her left hand, and
still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your
neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn't get the jar open."
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The
father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit
spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta
ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next
morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next
night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta,
Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the
doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally
came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here
-- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this
morning!"
Shot To The Heart
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's
old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was
so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart
would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to
her knee.
Ed Zachery Disease
There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a
date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr.
Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his
office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.
"Now," he said. "Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room." The
woman did.
"Now," he said. "Now craw reery reery fass back to me." The woman did. The Dr.
looked at her mournfully and said "I vely solly. Your probrem vewy bad, you haf
Ed Zachery Disease."
"Ed Zachery Disease? What's that?"
"Vewy sad. It's when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your ass."
A Nutty Game
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When
the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down
nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and
cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog,
leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked
what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and
yelled, ''PEANUTS!''
Dentist
A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she
said “You must be a good dentist.” He replied, “How did you know I'm a dentist.”
She said, “I didn't feel a thing.”
Bulgy Protrudy Is What They Call
Me
This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging
and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor
and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare
disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to
clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out
permanently.
Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still
protruding - more so now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a
different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they
will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out
months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.
Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who
tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his
ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands
amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.
On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were
doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer
and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and
resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he
goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe.
However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a
17-inch neck.
"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch
neck."
"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
"What?"
"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."
Dirty Knees
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The head Nurse!
Gassy Granny
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas,
but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always
silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here,
and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the
hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on
your hearing..."
A Real Ball Buster
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it
done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very
serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your
life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me
in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly,
legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him
is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as
me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would
like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”
Osama in the Holy Land
Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?
He wanted to see the burning Bush.
What's for Dinner?
A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is
deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often
have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from
her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say
it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her
deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off
about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some
vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind
her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Porsche and Hedgehog
What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has pricks on the outside!