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Multi-Balls
Once an abnormal guy went to a doctor. His abnormality was that he had three
balls. He thought it to be a reproductive abnormality so he wanted to consult a
doctor. But he was a little hesitant to present his situation to the doctor. So
he tried to explain it to him indirectly. He said, ''Doctor ,if you combine your
and my balls, then the result will be five!'' The doctor was amazed to hear
that. He stood up and asked the patient, ''You poor guy, have you got only
one?''
The Doctor's Convention
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.
A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor
notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by
the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes
her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you
must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist,
because I didn't feel a thing!''
Old Lady With Gas
This old lady went to a doctor's office and told him that she has bad gas, but
you can't smell it or hear it. So the doctor gives her two pills and tells her
take them and come back tomorrow. She came back and said that you can't hear the
gas but now you can smell it. Then the doctor says, "Good now we can work on
your hearing."
It's Quittin' Time
A guy went to the doctor to quit smoking, and the doctor gave him a nicotine
patch, which he promptly put on his penis. A couple of weeks, he came back to
the doctor's.
"How's it going?" the doctor asked him.
"Great," he replied. "I haven't had a butt in weeks."
Perry Coma
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many
months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the
doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the
hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had
seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the
husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in
her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and
announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
Iron Phone
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
English Patient
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.
Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the
bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note
into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and
immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something
he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
Actual Medical Chart Notes
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it
disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound
weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
It Ain't Margarita
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A Dry Martinez!
Your Butt So Big
Your butt so big, that when you were born, the doctor said "Congratulations!
Twins!"
Yo Mama's So Ugly
Yo' mama so ugly, she took a beauty nap and slipped into a coma!
Accident on the Golf Course
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the
doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep
it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an
impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night
in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one
has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Hilarious Signs
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with
a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Beautiful?
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and
his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're
beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of
“beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was
“The drugs are wearing off!”
Practice Makes Perfect
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
A Little Testy
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed
testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of
the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid
that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've
never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,''
replied the lady
Playing Doctor
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly
sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
Miracle Exercise
There was a woman who had very small breasts and was too afraid to have them
surgically enhanced. So she went to the doctor to find some other way to make
them bigger.
"I have a miracle exercise for you to try. Wave your arms around and say to
yourself 'I must, I must, I must increase my bust' over and over." The woman was
skeptical, but stayed up all night doing the exercise. The next morning, she was
pleasantly surprised -- her breasts had gotten much bigger overnight. A
co-worker noticed the change and asked her what she had done. After telling him
about the miracle exercise he was very excited. The next day, she saw her
co-worker with a tremendous bulge in his pants!
"What happened?" she said, surprised.
"Hickory, dickory, dock..."
Assisted Suicide
One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but
unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''
''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot
wound to the knee.
In a murder trial...
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man
was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on
my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law
somewhere.