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New Ears
A woman goes to a doctor, and says, "Doctor I want an operation to reduce my
vagina lips." "Oh, I don't think so," says the doctor. "Please," the woman begs.
"Oh all right," sighs the doctor. "But no one can find out, not even my family"
the woman insists. The doctor agrees.
After the operation, the woman finds two roses at her bedside. "Oh," she
screams, "no one was supposed to find out about my operation! "Oh, it's okay
ma'am," says the doctor. "One rose is from me, and the other is from a man in
the intensive burn unit, who thanks you very much for his new ears!"
Doctor's Orders
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do
the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch
make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only
make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your
husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Ending It All
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time
had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the
conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through
the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart
was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was
located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
Yo mama's...Ugly
Yo mama so ugly when she was born they used a tinted incubator.
The Sick Husband
There was a husband and a wife. The husband was very sick, so the wife took him
to the hospital and the doctor checked him out. Then the doctor asked the wife
to come into his office so they could talk about what was wrong with her
husband.
He explained that, if she wanted her husband to live, she would have to pamper
him, wait on him hand and foot, and not challenge him or argue with him -- her
husband needed absolute rest and no stress whatsoever. However, if her husband
did any work or moved around much or got upset about anything, he would die. The
doctor asked if she understood these conditions, and the wife assured him that
she did.
When the wife came out, the husband asked her, “so what is the matter with me?
Am I going to die?” And the wife said, “Yes, honey, I'm afraid you're going to
die.”
Blonde Diet
There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked
for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days
"Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then
skip the third day."
So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first
two days, then she skipped the third day.
The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, "How is your diet?"
She said, "Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing
all that skipping made me really tired."
Redneck Birth Control...
Cherrybomb
A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they
already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, "What
state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb
in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so
sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the
exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband figures that the
doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count.
''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his
legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''
The Painter & Her Eyesight
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing
her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see
the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and
therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided
to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work
included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work,
she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's
office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall,
and asked the doctor, ''What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly
painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?''
''Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.''
Nurse Doctor Doctor Nurse
Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!
God Helps Me Pee
An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During
examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.
"It's fine," says the old man. "I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God
turns on the light for me."
The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell
her about the God-light thing.
"Oh, my God!" says the daughter. "He's been using the fridge again!"
Saran Wrap
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap. The guy askes
the doctor, ''What do you think is wrong with me?''
The doctor replied,''I can clearly see you're nuts.''
Over 60 With AIDS
Senior citizens are riddled with AIDS!
...hearing aids, Band-Aids, Rolaids, walking aids, government aid.
THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST.
Depressed Proctologist
Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?
He's been feeling down in the dumps.
Satisfaction
There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well...
except in the bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it
didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and
asked for help.
The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex -- that way,
he'd last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he
came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a
quiet road. But he couldn't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he
decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled
under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking.
After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.
"Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you're doing?"
Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.
"I'm just fixing the axle of my car, officer."
"Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes. Your car has
crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"
The Businessman's Medical
Problem
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange
growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been
screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut
it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know
how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country.
This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
The Annual Check-Up
After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted
a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter
despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with
grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night
you'll never forget!"
They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in
years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was
*wonderful,* the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it's even
more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and
says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?"
"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"
Hospital Food
Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him
soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some
soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Bill turned down the
soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his
room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.
When Bill got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife,
"Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup,
take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up
your butt!
A Few Good Lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair
of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in
line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do
you?"
Cloak & Dagger
A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes
were missing. Then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room.
He was now completely naked in the halls of the headquarters of the most
powerful military organization on the planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous.
Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he
reached the Research & Development laboratory. He walked in and saluted the Head
Scientist.
"I am here to report the partial success of the personal invisibility device!"
Psychiatric Hotline
We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the
phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive.
Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the....
PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE
The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the
psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one
repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on
the line so that we can trace your call.
If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you
which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press....no one will answer any way.