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Medical Miracles
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical
technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put
the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart
out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into
another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."
The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of
Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"
What P.M.S. Stands For
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly, Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Psyched Up
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the
subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and
forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair
weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball
coach?"
Blonde's Medical Exam
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself
alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself
for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over
the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode
in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down
carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today
you have never undergone an eye examination."
Wedding Night Pranks
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or
two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would
be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies
received the following note:
“DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE
GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!”
The Fridge
Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the
doctor's. As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began
insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me."
What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," George responded, "when I go to the
bathroom he turns the light on and off."
The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls
Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God turns the light on
and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --" "DAMMIT,
George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in
the fridge?"
Drinker, Smoker, Homosexual
Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the
third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their
bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, “I don't care if I die, I need a
drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops
dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a
lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend
down to pick that up, we're both dead.”
Social Security
An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The
lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet
out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him
that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey
she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went.
He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social
security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could
tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he
probably could have gotten disability too.
Blonde Nurse
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.
Stumped Doc
A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.
The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before
in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any
hazardous materials?” The man says no.
The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The
doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you
do at home all day?”
The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch
porno flicks and eat Cheetos.”
HMO in Heaven
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God
asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to
God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to
heaven, my son.''
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him
into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,''
the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man
replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God,
''but you have to leave in two days.''
Brain Transplant
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are
very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.''
''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives.
''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the
doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded
because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied
and asked, ''Why the difference in price between male brains and female
brains?''
''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be
marked down because they've actually been used.''
Nurse Nancy
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything
backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine
every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to
give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one
hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths
boil!'''
Through The Desert On A Man With
No Ears
A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he
suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However,
he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a
small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business
knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the
business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The
last question of the interview was always the same.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you
know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."
Little Johnny's Prognosis
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her
Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room
- yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing.
Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, "I hope
you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in there."
"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as
he finds the poison."
What's Up Doc?
A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"
Doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
The Heart Of The Matter
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options
were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly
agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering
that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old
kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the
swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25
years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The
third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."
Lipstick Or...?
Two guys are at the doctor's office, each has got a problem with his "jimmy."
One guy gets called in to see the doctor and comes back out five minutes later.
the guy in the waiting room says, "Well, what'd he say?" The first guy tells him
that the doctor said to just take a shower and the ring around his unit will
come right off.
So the next guy goes in thinking, "Great -- just take a shower." But instead the
doctor tells him that they are going to have to operate. "Why?" he asks, "The
other guy just had to take a shower." The doctor says, "Well, there's a big
difference between lipstick and gangrene."
How Do You Like That?
A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the
baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and
goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are
you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, I'm not your father.”
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked,
“Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of
the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head
while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”
Thermometers
Q: What's the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?
A: The taste.