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Helen Keller's Broken Arm
How did Helen Keller break her arms?
Trying to read road signs at forty M.P.H.
U. Michigan/Ohio State
An OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY mortician student walked into the embalming room where
a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the
procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled
it over he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled out
the cork and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of
the guy's butt. Shaken by what had happened he quickly shoved the cork back into
it's original resting place.
He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you
won't believe what I discovered!"
Annoyed by the interruption, he said, "Let's take a look at this astounding
discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so
he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the
University of Michigan fight song he quickly replaced the cork in the cadavers
butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of
assholes sing that song!"
Third Opinion
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson
says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are
numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless,
spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''
The Blue Eye
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye
gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency
operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye. The man
looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his
original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged.
''I can't walk around like this!!"
"Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give
you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to
the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.''
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a
big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the
road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down
the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled
out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail...with a blue glass eye! As it was so
late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded
to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man's blue eyes, replacing
it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the
replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the
same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing
the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man
decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
''Excuse me, sir," said the policeman. "Do you know anything about this at
all?''
''No, constable'', said the man.
''Well, we can't figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles
with two glass eyes!''
Hearing Voices
Man: Doc, you've gotta help me. I'm hearing voices but I don't see people.
Doc: And when are you hearing these voices?
Man: When I'm on the telephone.
Lose 20 Lbs. Guaranteed!
There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The
receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a
sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges,
sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him
upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day
later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again,
where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw
you."
The Millennium Kid
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their
wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''
''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team.''
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir,
are the father of triplets.''
''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the
3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse
came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man -- who had been quiet in the
corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked
the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it,
I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just
fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some
time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you
could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have
never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that
job at Millennium Computers...''
Frog on the Lady's Head
A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the doctor's office. When the
doctor asked her what's wrong the frog says, “I got something stuck to my ass!”
Punk Rocker
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and
strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and
was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it was a tattoo reading, ''Keep off the grass.'' After the prep and the
surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, ''Sorry, had
to mow the lawn.''
Hospital Donation Clinics
A man and a woman meet in a hospital donation clinic.
The man says to the woman, "What are you here to give?"
She says, "I'm here to give blood. I get paid $5."
The man says, "Oh, I'm here to donate sperm, I get paid $25!" A couple of weeks
later they meet again in the clinic.
The man says, "Hi there! Are you here to give blood again?"
The woman puffs her cheeks out and shakes her head.
You're So Ugly... Doctor 2
You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor looked at your mom and said,
''This is going to cost extra if I have to touch its ass.''
Blonde in Pain
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her
body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a
broken index finger."
A Brief Visit to the Doctor
A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for
a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''
Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:
''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''
Bulimic Bachelor Party
How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!
Santa Singh
A GOOD ONE... enjoy.
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical
condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with
the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to
investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few
minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward
to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the
evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....
Scroll down for what happened...
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the
life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Latex Gloves
A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his
fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex
glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would
stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then
dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a
finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care
taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could,
the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.
Baaaad News
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.
Hillbilly Newlyweds
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know
how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives
proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big
City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came
from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank
stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno
movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the
man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.
''Now, do you understand?'' he asked.
''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for
this?''
First Cut is the Deepest
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the
hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually
asked Tim, “Hey Tim, what're you in for?”
“I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat
all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you?
What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't
walk for two years!”
Ode to a Glow Worm
I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm's never glum.
It's hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!