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Sneezy
"Doctor, everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm!"
"Are you doing anything for it?"
"Snorting pepper."
A Dose of HMO's Own Medicine
A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each
has done in their life.
Doctor: ''I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in
caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.''
St. Peter: ''That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?''
Nurse: ''I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an
adult.''
St. Peter: ''Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?''
Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: ''I was the president of a very large
HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the
country.''
St. Peter: ''Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay two nights!''
Blonde - Mating Call
What is a blonde's mating call?
''NEXT!''
Army Nurse
Q: Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
A: She woke up with a kernel between her legs.
Mad Cow!
There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, ''So what do you think of
mad cow disease?'' The other replies, ''I dunno, I'm a chicken.''
Redneck's Medical Dictionary
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
In the back woods of Arkansas...
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle
of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said,
"Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was
brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern
down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within
minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...
It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye
think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
The Prognosis
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the
house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc,
I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Mad Dog!
What do you call a dog that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic!
Two Jobs
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?
A: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush.
Wedding Night
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a
man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as
soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the
new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?'' he asked.
''Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?''
''Ma'am,'' he answered, ''that there is called a penis.''
''I see,'' she said. ''Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis
called?''
''Why that there is called the head of the penis.''
''I do declare!'' exclaimed the young woman. ''One last question doctor, what
are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the
penis?''
''I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks
of my ass!''
Circumcision...At Your Age?
Two guys are sharing a hospital room.
"What are you in for?"
"I''m getting a circumcision."
"Damn! I had that done when I was born and I couldn''t walk for a year!"
Viagra for Gramps
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said,
"Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going
to get a tetanus shot."
Proctologist's Accident
What kind of accident did the proctologist have?
He was rear-ended!
A Real Watch Dog
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him
everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the
chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken
aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of
the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
What do a lawyer and a sperm
have in common?
What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.
Corpsalicious!
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the
professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First:
Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus
and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus,
I licked my index finger.''
George and Harry's European
Vacation
Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a
great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all
about it.
"One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was really
neat."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit the
Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. That was really neat."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit Big Ben in
London."
"Cool. Did you go up inside it?"
"No, we couldn't, since George is a cripple. But we did attend mass at the
Vatican."
"Really? What happened?"
"Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his right crutch,
and he dropped his left crutch."
"Cool. What happened then?"
"George fell on his ass. He's a cripple, you know."
Blonde at the Doctor's
"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the young blonde,
placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."
"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"
Dead Dog
A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He
doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says,
''I'm sorry, but your dog is dead.'' The man doesn't believe him and says, ''I
want a second opinion.''
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the
dog and bites it and says to the vet, ''Meeoowrr.'' The vet says again, ''I'm
sorry, sir, your dog is dead.''
The man says, ''No, I want another opinion.''
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead
dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ''Rrrrr.'' The vet says,
''I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.''
''$500 to tell me my dog is dead?'' asks the man.
''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I'm 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab
test was 200 dollars.''