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Those Conceited Bastard Doctors
Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a brain surgeon!
P. Diddy + Kenny G. = ?
What do you get when you cross P. Diddy with Kenny G.?
An aneurysm.
Forgetful Minds
A couple has been married for 50 years. One day they went to a doctor because
they recently had been forgetting things and they were afraid that they would
leave the stove on. The doctor said, “There is no way medically, but you could
always write notes to help you remember things.”
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing.
She replied, “I was just going to make some ice cream.” The husband insisted
that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, “WITH
A CHERRY ON TOP!”
“Okay dear,” he replied.
“And sprinkles too!”
“Okay dear.”
From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes
later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs. The wife said “So? Where's
the toast?”
Five Surgeons
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon.
"You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open
them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
"I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded."
"I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless,
gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."
"I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end..."
Having To Face the Fact
Dermatologist: Good News my dear, aftr looking through your test results I'm
happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples.
Girl: Wow! That's great! Why?
Dermatologist: There's no more space.
Tooth Pulling
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm
in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist
which tooth it is, dear."
Yo Mama's so Smelly... Oxygen
Yo mama's so smelly, when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the
oxygen mask.
A Brief History Of Medicine
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Ask The Doctor
A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.
After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband wants me to ask you...,'' to which
the doctor replies, ''I know, I know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her
shoulder. ''I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the
pregnancy.''
''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I can still
mow the lawn.''
Stewed Tomatoes
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about
getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the
dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''
Guy With Frog Growing Out of His
Head
A guy goes into a doctor's office with a frog growing out of his head.
"Tell me how it started," says the doctor.
"It started out as a bump on my ass," says the frog.
The Deacon and the Preacher
There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a
long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the
preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and
medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled
by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''
The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the
preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed
his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the
deacon died.
At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good
man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he
died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''
The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up!
You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''
Viagra + Eyedrops = ?
Why'd the man take Viagra eyedrops?
Because he wanted to look hard!
Chilling with the Eskimo
What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?
Polaroids!
Geriatric Communication
An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don't think my wife's hearing is as
good as it used to be, what should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in
the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question.
If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears
you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet
behind her and says, “What's for dinner, honey?” No reponse. He moves to ten
feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what's for supper?”
She says, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
Lightbulb: Psychiatrist
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it really has to want to change.
No More Labor Pains
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival
the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of
the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They
were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he
asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up
fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to
transfer all of the pain.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the
mailman dead on their porch.
Monster Valentine
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?
Saving Her Butt
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home
sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.
She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her
to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him
their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this
before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."