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Old People Get It On
Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor found
out about this and took each one into his office seperately to try and talk them
out of it. First he called in the woman and he told her that the man had already
had two heart attacks and was very unhealthy and could die at any time. She told
the doctor that she didn't care and she left. Next, the doctor called in the man
and told him that the woman was suffering from acute angina, and he said, ''I
know! I peeked.''
Two Sperm
Two sperm are walking down the street. How do you know which one is happy?
It's the one with egg on its face!
Be Careful With That Viagra
Q: Did you hear about the man who swallowed his Viagra too slowly?
A: He got a stiff neck.
Miracle Drug
So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her husband can't get it up
like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks, "Have you
heard of a new drug named Zyban?" The lady says yes, but adds that her husband
refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainyl won't take anything that "will
make him feel like less of a man." The doctor advises the woman to slip it into
his morning coffee when he isn't looking. The woman is nervous, but the doctor
insists, "it will cange your life within a day," os she figures she'd better try
it.
A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the doctor's office and the doctor
asks her how it went. The lady heaves a tremedous sigh and explains, "I snuck it
into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15 minutes, he cleared
off the table, threw me on it and we had the best sex we'd had in 20 years."
Perplexed, the doctor asks, "What's wrong with that?" And the lady schakes her
head and says, "I don't think i'll be able to show my face at McDonalds again."
Mr. Phillard's Twins
One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the
doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to
watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he
fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing
above him.
"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry,
your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were
unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your
brother Bill name the kids."
"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name
them?"
"He named your daughter Denise."
"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"
"He named your son Denephew."
Six Hours to Live
After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home and tells his wife he has
approximately six hours left to live. Of course, they go straight to bed and
have some amazing, athletic sex. Half an hour later, the man asks his wife if
they can have sex again. They do, and it's even more vigourous and ferocious
sex. An hour later, the man asks his wife for sex again, and they have a
ball-busting, rib-breaking round of sex. An hour later, the man wants it again.
"No way," says the wife. "I have to get up in the morning. You don't."
Psychiatrist's Best Friend
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat
down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man
said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to
do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie
down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
Arm Troubles
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out
please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello,
Doctor't; says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor.
''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
That's Some Sick Ship, Man
Where does a ship go when it's sick?
To the dock.
Man and Pharmacist
A man asks his pharmacist for half of a Viagra pill. The doctor says that half a
pill won't do any good, he needs two or three pills.
The man explains, ''No, you see the reason I only want half a pill is because
I'm tired of peeing on my shoes.''
Question...Sex Change
What do you call a female sex change?
An addadictomy!
Yo mama's so stupid... asphalt
Yo mama's so stupid she thought asphalt was a rectal disorder.
So Many Balls Between Us
One guy had three balls, so he went to the doctor. He was too shy to tell the
doctor his story so he told him, "Let's just say me and you together have 5
balls in total."
So the doctor replied, "What! you've got four!?"
Studious Redneck
You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test.
A Fart Smeller or A Smart Feller
There's a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all
the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to
go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving
these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about
it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later.
When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these
horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctor's only reaction
to this was... "It's good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on
your hearing...."
The Scientist and the Frog
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the
frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the
frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book,
"frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped
two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "frog with two feet, jumps two
feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one
foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "frog with one foot, jumps one
foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
The Gynecologist's Glasses
Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?
Because things were looking a little fuzzy.
Poor Old Man
This old man goes to the doctor's.
"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she
wants to do is have sex all day long."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't remember where I live."
Male & Female Brains
One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor
there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would
be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten
million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One
of the women said, ''Well, why is that, sir?'' The doctor answered, "The men's
brains cost more, for they have never been used."