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Bone Diggers
What do dogs and women have in common?
They both like 12-inch bones.
Preferential Treatment
A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.
"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.
"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.
"No, your boyfriend told me that!"
Proverbs
''Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.''
''Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone!''
''Man who run behind car get exhausted''
''Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day''
''Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.''
''Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok''
''Man with one chopstick go hungry.''
''Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.''
''Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.''
''Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!''
''Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.''
''War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.''
''Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.''
''Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.''
''Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!''
''Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!''
''It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.''
''Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!''
''Man who sit on tack get point!''
''Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!''
''Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.''
''He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.''
''Man who farts in church sits in own pew.''
''Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion''.
''Crowded elevator smells different to midget."
Pumpkin Pumper Pumped For Info
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon
UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County
courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of
drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around
here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview
from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to
the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon
Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer
B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to
(Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up
and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face
and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Gator Bite
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his
mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer.
''I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try,'' said a small woman, ''but you have to promise not to hit me on the
head with the beer bottle."
Let's Live On Love
A couple decides to get married, despite the fact that the woman doesn't know
how to cook at all. After all, he says, they can live on love. After the
honeymoon is over, the man goes back to work. One day, he calls from work and
asks if his new wife could make some dinner. Knowing full well that she doesn't
cook, she asks if they can make love instead. The man agrees, and soon arrives
home to find his wife sliding repeatedly down the bannister.
"What are you doing?" he asks, concerned.
"Oh, silly," she says. "I'm warming up your dinner!"
God and Men's Sex Lives
When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon
him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to
budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.
"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."
"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed. The Lord called
the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so
again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also
granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for
the spare ten years and got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying
around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.
Bribe and Groom
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual
offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the
part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to
her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the
wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man
in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned
toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a
better offer."
High Sperm Count
How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
If you have to chew before you swallow.
Computer Gender
Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender
because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the
problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little
longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender
because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
Genesis
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is
wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn''''t have anyone to
talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when
you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with
every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up
in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will
always be the first to admit she was wrong when you''''ve had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will this ''''woman'''' cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Male Strip Club
Q: What do you call a male strip club?
A: A cockpit
A Family of Suckers
One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV. The dad gives the mom a
look, and they head upstairs. The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so
they go up to take a peek.
''Well,'' said the older boy, ''remember this when mom gets on your case for
sucking your thumb!''
Everything You Always Wanted to
Know About Sex
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each other's shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank-you notes to write.
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
''How come?''
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Can you say three two-letter words that denote small?
Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.
Gotcha!
Three nuns were taking a walk one day.
''I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some pornography
magazines," said the first nun.
"What did you do with them?" asked the second.
"I threw them away."
"I was cleaning the Father's room yesterday and found some condoms," said the
second nun.
"What did you do with them?" asked the first.
"I punched holes in them." The third nun fainted.
Final Confession
Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry
now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept
with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie." replied Adam as he wiped the tears from
Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
The Facts of Life
A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son
turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son
I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are
doing is…”
The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He
tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides to wait until
the boy is older.
“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on
the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You're
right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do
you know why that is, son?”
The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get
screwed.”
A Hooker and a Bungee Jump
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Female Lawyer vs. Pitbull
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.
Female Hormones in Beer
Two men were in a pub.
One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?"
The other man said, "No! Is it true?"
"Yes," said the first man. "If you drink too much, you start talking crap and
you drive terribly."
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