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Baby Hermaphrodite

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, ''I have something to tell you about your child...''
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, ''What's wrong with it?''

The doctor says, ''There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite.''

The woman looks confused. ''A hermaphrodite, what's that?''

The doctor replies, ''It has both features of a male and a female.''

The woman looks relieved. ''What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?''

Don't Need One of Those

A little boy was playing in his sandbox when the little girl next door came up and asked if she could play, too. He said, "okay."
Shortly he began bragging, "I have a big fire engine."
The girl responded, "So, I have a fire engine too. See!"
Only slightly put off he expressed, "I have a toy tank!"
She looked at it and quietly reached behind the sand box and pulled out a toy M1 Tank and said, "I have one, too."
The young boy almost in tears dropped his pants and says, "I have a penis!"
The little girl looked down her pants and burst into tears and ran home crying all the way.
The next day the lad is playing in his sand box when the little girl approaches. He says, "are you back for more? I told you I have a penis and you don't!"
"Well," said the little girl, "my mom told me not to worry about it. She said I have one of these... and as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

Dead Again

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Shopping Carts

Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs!

A Little Testy

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

What Men Need Most

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
''I'm afraid not, sir,'' the clerk told him apologetically, ''but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whir. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ''Manicures - 25 cents.''
"Why not?'' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, ''This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives -- 50 cents.'' The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents, unzipped his fly and stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis...with a button perfectly sewn on top.

Mommy Almost Died

One day this little girl's dad came home and she runs up to him.
"Daddy, the cat died today!"

"Well, darling," said the dad. "That's just something that happens."

"But why are his arms and legs up in the air?"

"Well, darling, that's just something they do." She takes the death fairly well and doesn't mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.

"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I came downstairs and I heard her screaming 'Oh Jesus, take me, take me!' And she had her ams and legs up in the air and if it hadn't been for the mailman tring to revive her she would have died."

Authentic Grafitti

Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
* Women's Restroom; The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's Restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's Restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
* Men's Restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''if it happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Extra-Large Condoms

A woman walks into a store and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, ''Yes, would you like to buy one?''

The woman replies, ''No sir, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?''

Broom Factory

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.
"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

Miracle Exercise

There was a woman who had very small breasts and was too afraid to have them surgically enhanced. So she went to the doctor to find some other way to make them bigger.
"I have a miracle exercise for you to try. Wave your arms around and say to yourself 'I must, I must, I must increase my bust' over and over." The woman was skeptical, but stayed up all night doing the exercise. The next morning, she was pleasantly surprised -- her breasts had gotten much bigger overnight. A co-worker noticed the change and asked her what she had done. After telling him about the miracle exercise he was very excited. The next day, she saw her co-worker with a tremendous bulge in his pants!

"What happened?" she said, surprised.

"Hickory, dickory, dock..."

Magic Watch

A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot girl and immediately looks at his watch.
She says, ''Is your date late or something''
He says, ''No I just got this magic watch''.
"What does your watch do that is so amazing?" asked the lady.
"It tells me what is happening."
"What does it say now asked the lady."
"It says you're not wearing panties."
"Well your watch is wrong, I do have panties on."
"Sorry, my watch is one hour fast."

Occupy This

A man's occupation is to stick his cockulation in a woman's ventilation to increase the population of the younger generation. I got this information from the board of education if you want a demonstration -- LIE DOWN!

Husbands' Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''
The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''

Powder

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, ''Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?''
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. ''Where the hell have you been?!?!'' she screaches.

''Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.''

''Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!''

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, ''You liar! You went bowling again!''

The Raffle

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

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