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Yo Daddy
Yo daddy is like a mounds bar -- he's got no nuts.
Girlfriend 1.0 -> Wife 1.0
MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that
it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are
further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena
was included in the productbrochure or the documentation, though other users
have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the
application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always
launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system
activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash
2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing
the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At
installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired
Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system
performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't remind me
again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0
to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of
cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in
promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much
more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must
uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug
which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have
conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such
a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend
1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the
system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to
install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney
files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to
install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing
Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications
such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have
beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be
to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again,
beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
Blond Father
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the
hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there
were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other
father!?!"
Doctor's Orders
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do
the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch
make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only
make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your
husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
Hubby Homing Device
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out
late?
Wife #2: Well, everytime he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that
you?'
Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.
Add It Up: Relationship Guide
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the
world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something
she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry,
that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a
concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20
Fall-Down Drunk
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave
a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Baby, This Is The Best Line Ever
Let's go to my place and play war -- I'll lay down and you blow the hell outta
me!
Man, I Feel Like A Woman
I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain
comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into
the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane
jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been
on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I
don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me
feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of
the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with
anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his
rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her
trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...
"Iron this!"
Who's the REAL Boss?
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking,
the husband took off his pants. ''Put these on,'' he said to his wife.
She did and they were nearly twice her size. ''There's no way I can wear these.
They're too big,'' she said.
''Good, now you know who wears the pants in this family.''
Flustered, the wife takes off her panties and gives them to her husband. ''Put
these on,'' she commands.
The husband looks at the small pair of panties and says, ''There's no way I can
get into these.''
To which the wife replied, ''You're right about that until you change your
attitude.''
Mr. or Mrs. Computer
Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been
characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to
starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males)
announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their
reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you
don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going totell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists
(all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasonsfollow:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the
problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little
longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Men's English
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you
going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much
different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other
guys.
and FINALLY... (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress
and let's go home!
Take My Wife, Please
* The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's on the TV?'' I said,
''Dust!''
* In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
* My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers
and a dog.
* What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
* A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said
''I haven't eaten anything in four days.'' She looked at him and said, ''God, I
wish I had your willpower.''
* Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
* A man inserted an ad in the classified: ''Wife wanted.'' Next day he received
a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ''You can have mine.''
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* First guy (proudly): ''My wife's an angel!'' Second guy: ''You're lucky,
mine's still alive.''
* How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for
free.
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
* If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
* Then there was a man who said, ''I never knew what real happiness was until I
got married; and then it was too late.''
* A little boy asked his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?'' And the father replied, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''
* The bumper sticker read: ''I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.''
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Flower Bribes
One Friday, two women were sitting and talking. One woman looked up and saw her
husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
She rolled her eyes and said, “There comes the asshole with flowers in his hand.
Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”
Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”
Moms and Their Snooping
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's
room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know
that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's
room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know
that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my
daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside
cabinet: a packet of condoms!"
I didn't even know that she had a penis!
Sexy Timepiece
A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with
buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really
fancy watch."
Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically
ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."
"Rubbish," says the girl.
"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it
if you've got any panties on."
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to
his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties
on."
"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."
"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"
Merle Goes Out Drinking Every
Night...
Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would
spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around
midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the
door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let
him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant
nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued
his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was
particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when
he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words
and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived
home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and
led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet
up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started
to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty
late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get
in trouble when I get home anyway!"
Avon Calling
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the
elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the
elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some
Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and
immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Tee Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking
down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was
driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking
so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to
make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell
of hitting her from here!"
Marriage Made In Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a
car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the
gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and
ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells
the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple
go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they
want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest
up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
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