HOME
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women:
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil
change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change - $20.00 Coffee - $1.00 Total - $21.00.
Oil Change instructions for Men:
Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty
litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up mess.
Have another beer while watching oil drain.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain
plug.
Drink beer.
Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Drink beer.
Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left
boob.
Beer.
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
Beer.
Test drive car.
Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
Car gets impounded.
Make bail.
Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00
Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!
Shekshy Legsh
You have very nice legs. What time do they open?
Parachute Crap Shoot
Four people are in an airplane: the president, the smartest man in the world, an
old man and a young girl. The plane catches on fire and there are only three
parachutes.
The president gets one and says, “My country needs me!” and jumps.
The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, “Well, the world needs me,
since I'm so smart,” and jumps.
One parachute left and the old man says, “You take it, my life is almost over
anyway.”
The little girl says, “No. We both can jump.”
Confused, the man asks, “How?” The little girl says, “The smartest man in the
world took my backpack.”
Men and Computers
How are men like computers?
They don't work until they're turned on.
Clams Casino
How's a casino like a woman?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
How to Impress a Woman
1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.
Accidental Bonding
A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were
totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars
are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are
to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.
"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.
The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny
within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of
wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a
toast to our new friendship."
"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He
popped the cork and drank his share.
"I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"
"No, thanks," came the reply. "I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
High Stakes
A man with an average handicap decides to play a round of golf one day. He heads
to the starters' area where he is paired with a woman.
''Damn, a woman," he says. "This is going to be horrible.''
As he approaches her, he finds that she is very beautiful and figures this might
not be a bad day after all. They head out to the first hole. The man looks to
his partner, and says, "If I hole this putt, would you consider going out to
dinner with me tonight?"
She agrees, so he lines it up, swings, and sinks it. They play a couple more
holes and approach the ninth. Both are lying 3 on this long par 5 and again the
man looks up to the woman before his putt.
"If I hole this putt, will you kiss me goodbye after the date?"
She says yes and he sinks the 10 footer for birdie. They approach the 17th and
both are lying 2 on the par 4 hole. He looks up again.
"Will you consider coming up to my apartment if I hole this out right here?"
She says yes and he lines up the short 3-footer and right down the middle it
goes. On the 18th, the woman is lying 3, about 40 feet from the hole. She looks
to the man and says, "If I sink this putt, you have to screw me silly all
night."
The man says yes so she lines up her putt, takes a backswing and....
"Wait, wait, wait!" the man says. "Pick it up, it's a gimme."
BMW & a Porcupine
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Grandpa the Nudist
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the
porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what
are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what
are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with
no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Fresh Meat
One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat.
"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show
you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours.
Get it?" The wife nods. The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer
full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror
and lifts up her skirt.
"See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."
If Dear Abby Were Dear Albert
Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not
be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with
the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner
is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a
hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being
pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to
you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the
man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect
of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he
goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will
bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are
still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great-tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful.
It is nutritious, helps you keep your figure, and gives a great glow to the
skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with
him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he
loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do
it in your own time. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive
present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to
talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In
fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more
rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot
control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return
this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your
man as much as you should -- he has to work too hard to get you in the mood.
Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice
expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists
and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again and show your love to
him by buying a nice expensive present...and don't forget to cook him a
delicious meal.
Working Relationship
A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. ''Honey, I know I made a fool out of
myself at the party last night, so tell me what I did.''
''You got in an argument with your boss.''
''Well, piss on him!!!'' said the man.
''You did. He fired you.''
''Well, screw him!''
''I did.'' said his wife. ''You're back to work on Monday.''
Libraries Are Sexy
You got any overdue library books? 'Cause you got fine written all over you!
MasterCard For Men
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.
There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's
Mastercard
Elementary, My Dear Jerkface
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three
women, eating bananas.
"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he
knew those women.
"No, Watson, I didn't know that nun, prostitute, or bride." Baffled, Watson asks
how he knew their identities.
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun was eating the banana by breaking it into
small pieces. The prostitute was shoving the banana into her mouth. And the
bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the
other."
Little Johnny's Time of the
Month
Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."
The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"
Little Johnny says, "uh-unh."
The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!"
Little Johnny says, "Nope."
The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going
to do with them?"
Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these
I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"
Orgasm-isms
A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed
to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it
under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the
professor what they were.
"Those are sperm cells."
A Woman's Four Favorite Animals
A mink in the closet
A Jaguar in the garage
A tiger in the bedroom
And an ass to pay for it all!
Satisfaction
There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well...
except in the bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it
didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and
asked for help.
The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex -- that way,
he'd last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he
came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a
quiet road. But he couldn't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he
decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled
under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking.
After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.
"Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you're doing?"
Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.
"I'm just fixing the axle of my car, officer."
"Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes. Your car has
crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17