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The Annual Check-Up
After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted
a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter
despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with
grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night
you'll never forget!"
They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in
years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was
*wonderful,* the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This time it's even
more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and
says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?"
"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"
Hospital Food
Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him
soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some
soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Bill turned down the
soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his
room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.
When Bill got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife,
"Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup,
take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up
your butt!
Paying the Price of Marriage
William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate
with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a
sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William
brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that
young woman, and you were so rude."
"Mildred, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down
to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear
us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and
Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.
William asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy
sex for that price."
"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left,
Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William
pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
The Wrong Way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be
careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
Feeling Like A Woman
In a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the
front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to
be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me
really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a
woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet
black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one
button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He
removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and
extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron
this."
Adam and Eve
Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who
should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.
"Adam."
"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.
"Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"Eden."
That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for
the first time?"
"Mmm, that IS a hard one."
"Enter."
Lawyers vs Prostitutes
How are lawyers like whores?
They both get paid to screw people.
Strict Sex Schedule
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their
honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule
to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would
go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for
months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to
the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs
were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't
think the antibiotics will find me there."
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think
they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out
tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"
Taxed Blonde
A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. ''That will be
$1.08, please'' says the clerk.
''What's the eight cents for?'' asks the blonde. ''It says one dollar right here
on the packaging.''
''Tax,'' replies the clerk.
''Gee,'' says the blonde, ''I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed
put!''
Lesbians, Diets, and Makeup
Why don't lesbians go on diets and wear makeup at the same time?
It's hard to be on Jenny Craig when you've got Liz Clairborne on your face!
Nudist Camp
A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him. So
he sent her a picture of his top half. A week later his grandma wanted a picture
but he accidently sent the bottom half. Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't
think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his
haircut, because it made his nose look too big.
What P.M.S. Stands For
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly, Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Men 'n' Lightbulbs
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, men will screw anything.
Stranded on a Desert Island...
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the
Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he
was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing
it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life
preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was
little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end and sat under the same palm
tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small
rowboat appeared.
“I'm from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship,
too?”
“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”
“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel
from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man, amazed.
“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of
the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But,
enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all this time? I don't
see any shelter.”
“To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach,” he said.
“Would you like to come to my place?” the woman asked. The engineer nodded
dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up
the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back
splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.
There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
“It's not much, but I call it home.” Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would
you like to have a drink?”
“No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!”
“It won't be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back,
so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on
her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me,
have you always had a beard?”
“No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on
this island.”
“Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and
shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he
showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get
warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but
admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
“You look great,” said the woman. “I think I'll go up and slip into something
more comfortable.”
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the
woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown
fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
“Tell me,” she asked, “We've both been out here for a very long time with no
companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there
something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need?
Something that would be really nice to have right now...?”
“Yes there is,” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something
I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...
well, it was impossible.”
“Well, it's not impossible, anymore,” the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean... you
actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE?!”
Sweet Talker
On a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to
be sweet to his wife, saying “Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.”
Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”
Good Can of Corn
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that
wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members
they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister
asks the elderly couple if they had abstained
"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the
middle aged couple the same question
"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!"
So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed
couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and
when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
"That's O.K.," says the husband, "we were banned from the supermarket, too."
Bad Girls vs Good Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by
loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one
bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it
better.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls
think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''
You Can't Teach An Old Cat
What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?
An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!
Men and Lightbulbs
How are men like lightbulbs?
You have to screw both of them to get a response!
Some Mornings
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and on others I just let her sleep!
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