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The Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head,
"No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that
was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would
nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a
year.'"
Divorced Barbie
Have you heard about the new Barbie doll?
It's called Divorce Barbie. It comes with all Ken's stuff.
Dating vs. Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your
husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going
to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me
alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old
together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to
others as "She."
SF Pregnancy Rate
Q: What's in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting pregnant?
A: Men's asses.
Disney World and Viagra
Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride!
Twist Again...
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a
pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy
Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in
movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of
the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw
all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the
night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while
Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the
house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The
twist! It's called the twist!!'
Genie-wine
While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he
rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.
"I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about
this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was
wine.
"I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish."
"Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home
to find her husband naked, holding a glass.
"Why only one glass?" asked her wife.
"You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
The Sexy Negligee
One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it
his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a
gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has
never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife
something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and
tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in
the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in
the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had
before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.
She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and
go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.
She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.''
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ''All
that money and they didn't even iron it?!''
Difference Between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To
be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at
all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate
during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries
a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is
the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage &
after marriage.
Genie Can't Deliver
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an
old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he
thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this
puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his
pocket!!!
The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three
wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you
one wish!''
The suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the
beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats
and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.''
The genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will
take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it
would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.''
The man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.''
The genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?''
A Chewy Riddle
What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?
Bubblegum (what were you thinking?)
Baby, I've Got A Question For
You
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so
soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already
feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do
this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd
be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You
must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping
around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to
beat around the bush any longer so...
Do you have a piece of gum?
That's Good, That's Bad
"Did ya hear I got married?"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! She's ugly!"
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She's rich."
"Oh, that's good!"
"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, that's good."
"No, that's bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, that's bad."
"No, that's good! She was in it."
Male Disorientation
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They don't stop to ask for directions.
Sexual Confessional
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''
''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''
''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven
times,'' she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and
squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''
''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?''
''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''
Technically and Reality?
One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between
'technically' and 'reality.'
"Son, I won't tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse
you. But to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask your mother if
she will sleep with a bum for $500,000 and ask your sister is she'll sleep with
the garbageman for the same amount." So, the little boy goes up to his mom.
"Mommy, would you ever sleep with a bum for $500,000?"
"You bet your ass I would!" exclaims the mother. So the little boy goes up to
his sister's bedroom.
"Hey sis, would you sleep with the garbageman for $500,000?"
"I sure would!" exclaims his sister.
"Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?"
"Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we
live with a couple of dirty whores!"
Wedding Night Pranks
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an
electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on
their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or
two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would
be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies
received the following note:
“DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE
GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!”
Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are
permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to
the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in
being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival
at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are
currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners
have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on
what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More
advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around
the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the
hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a
quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same
hole several times in one match.
The Fridge
Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the
doctor's. As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began
insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me."
What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," George responded, "when I go to the
bathroom he turns the light on and off."
The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls
Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God turns the light on
and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --" "DAMMIT,
George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in
the fridge?"
Men and Driveways
Q: What do a man and a driveway have in common?
A: Lay em' right the first time and they'll stay with you.
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