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Squealing Like A Stuck
Boyfriend
A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend
suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They
play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare
naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree
and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, ''Quick, go get
help!''
She says, ''I can't, I'm naked.''
He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her ''lower parts''
and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, ''Help me, my
boyfriend is stuck.''
The truck driver replies,''Honey, if he's that far gone, I don't think we can
get him out again!''
Taliban Poetic Justice
My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well, this sounds good to me. It would
be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his
comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do
neither.
Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever covertly capture him, fly him to
an undisclosed hospital, and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change
operation.
Then we return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.
A Fisherman's Tale
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral
procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows
his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks
up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was
married to her for 40 years."
Social Security
An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The
lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet
out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him
that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey
she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went.
He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social
security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could
tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he
probably could have gotten disability too.
Gloves: Joke circa 1890
A Mismatched Pair of Gloves
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after much
considerstion he decided upon a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
sister, he went to a department store and carefully choset a pair of white
gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties. Without checking the contents he
sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with this note.
"Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you that I have not forgotten
your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are
easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly
soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I
could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will touch
them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I
hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."
He did not realize that the packages had been switched, and that he had
unwittingly sent his girlfriend the pair of panties to her sister had just
bought.
Little Girls
Why don't little girls fart?
Because they don't have assholes until they're married.
Chain Letter for Women Only
This letter was started by a woman, like yourself, in the hopes of bringing
relief to other tired and discontended women. Unlike most chain letters, this
one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your
friends who are equally frustrated. Then bundle up your husband or partner, and
send him to the woman whose name appears on the top of the list, and add your
name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you
will receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than
the one you already have. Do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain and
got the old son-of-a-bitch back again! At this writing, a friend of mine already
received 384 men... They buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers to
get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so they could
close the coffin. Hurry up and send this letter so my name can move up fast!
Choosing a Wife
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to
marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I
spent the money so I could look pretty for you, because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television and
a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with
the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her
investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am
investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He
finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
Don't Say This During Sex
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.
Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing
about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic -- don't you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman:
Yourself?
Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Deathbed Confession
The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one,
Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing.
And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"
"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."
"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."
And the man peacefully passed away.
Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me
about the other three."
Field of Dreams?
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then
he heard a voice, ''If you build it they will come.'' He thought nothing of it
at first but then he heard it again, ''If you build it they will come.'' So the
farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to
do. A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!
Brain Transplant
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, ''Brains are
very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.''
''Well, how much does a brain cost?'' asked the relatives.
''For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,'' replied the
doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded
because they thought they understood. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied
and asked, ''Why the difference in price between male brains and female
brains?''
''Standard pricing practice,'' said the doctor. ''Women's brains have to be
marked down because they've actually been used.''
Woman -vs- Computer Geek Joke
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: Women don't take 3 1/2'' floppies.
Women Pass Less Gas
Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!
Talk Dirty to Me
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
Men, Don't Say this at
Victioria's Secret
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No, thanks. I'm just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this!!!
6. Oh, the size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. That's okay. You don't have to wrap it, I'll eat it here!
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Miracle what? This is better than world peace!
2. 45 bucks?! You're just going to end up naked anyway!
1. And the thing a man should never, ever under any circumstances say out loud
in Victoria's Secret: Oh, honey, you'll never get your fat ass into that!
How to Tell When You Have PMS
1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4) Your man is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says,
"How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."
6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7) You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8) You're counting down the days until menopause.
9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Benefits of Being Female
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.
* Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like
complete idiots in ours.
* We can be groupies.
* Male groupies are stalkers.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks.
* Free dinners.
* We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.
* We know the truth about whether size matters.
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
* It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. * We
don't fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
* If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still
there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
* We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them
naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
* Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our
teeth.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
* Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
The Golden Fiddle
A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took
the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden
fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when
the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful
she was.
"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work
the fields?"
"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful."
"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful.
If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."
"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half
hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true
to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and
suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true
to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle.
He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."
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