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Honey, You Belong Beneath My
Feet
How are men and tile alike?
If you lay them right the first time, you'll be able to walk all over them for
the rest of their life!
Hand-Eye Coordination
What two men's hobbies require the most hand-eye coordination?
Video games and porno.
Top 10 Benefits of Being A Woman
Women got off the Titanic first.
Women can scare bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Women can be groupies. Men groupies are called "stalkers."
Women can cry and get off speeding tickets.
Taxis stop for women.
Free dinners, free drinks, free movies. Do the math.
A new lipstick can give a woman a whole new lease on life.
No one has to know if a woman forgets to shave.
Women can congratulate their teammates without ever touching their rear.
Women never regret piercing their ears.
Why Women Wear White
Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
All major kitchen appliances come in white.
Adam, Eve, and God Makes Three
"God," said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So you would love her."
"But why did you make her so dumb?"
"So she would love you."
Angelic Love
"My wife is an angel."
"Lucky you. Mine's still alive."
Pig!
A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the
same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes
into a pig in the middle of the road.
What a Dump
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
What Didja Learn?
A southern girl returned home after a summer with her grandparents in Ohio. Her
friends asked her what she learned on her trip.
"Well, they have these men up there who like other men."
"Ooh. What are they called?"
"They call them gay."
"What else did you learn?"
"Well, they have these women who like other women."
"Ooh. What are they called?"
"They call them lesbians."
"Did you learn anything else?"
"Yes. They have these men who lick women in their most private parts."
"Ooh. What do they call them?"
"I don't know, but when he was done, I called him 'Precious.'"
Crappy Date
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and
also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage
to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like
Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make
it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running
to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date,
because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in
Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use
the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he
has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During
dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a
complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling
subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little
bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh
shit,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our
hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this
surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to
figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to
show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the
restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. 'Do you mind if I run in and
buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?' he asks. 'No problem, I'd like
to look around too,' she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap,
men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split
up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings
both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on theother side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't
even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date
can read lips from 40 feet away) 'Just the pants.' 'What?' asks the Gap girl.
'Just the pants!' (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: 'Oh, OK.' He pays
for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the
middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to
the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train
departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a
ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the
Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So
he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the
fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching
over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether. Rather than going through the
absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an
elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom
until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train
starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as
quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the
train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
He hasn't seen the girl since.
Working On The Fourth Husband
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first
husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
The Eyes Have It
Why do men find it hard to make eye contact with women?
Breasts don't have eyes!
Poker... or Her...
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the
floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's
wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed
him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that
since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her
house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they
went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm.
He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me
$100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from
me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
Husband Detector
What do you call a women who knows where her husband is each night?
A widow.
Ray Charles' Wife
Have you seen Ray Charles' wife?
Neither has he!
A New Set Of Golf Clubs
''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!''
''Great trade!''
Women and Watches
Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.
Mr. Macho
A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding,
laid down the following rules: ''I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on
the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time
about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?''
His new bride said, ''No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be
sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not.''
Ex-Lax, Don't Do It
Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!
Naked Olympic Pole Vaulting
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking girl and, somewhat improbably,
asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby. For whatever reason,
she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her: "Don't you
understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to
show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was
beaming. "What are you so happy about?" asked her mother. "I totally showed
them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear."
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