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Mommy & "Uncle" Frank
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when
he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing
machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones
home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and
knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's
just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then
she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that
last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the
swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out
fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex
for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a
headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a
powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He
won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her
what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped
his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was
the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Moon Talking
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not
only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,"
statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and
Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark,
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American
space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech,
a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he
finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he
could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in
the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his
neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned
down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex!
You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
Haunted Husband
A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well.
Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house.
The old man often screamed these words at her in public, "I'm sick and tired of
you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!"
The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the
neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.
At the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that
night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor
asked her, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?"
The old lady calmly replied, "Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in the
other way around."
Six Most Important Men in a
Woman's Life
THE DOCTOR because he says ''take your clothes off.''
THE DENTIST because he says ''open wide.''
THE HAIR DRESSER because he says ''do you want them teased or blown?"
THE MILKMAN because he says ''do you want it in the back or in the front?''
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says''once it's in you'll love it.''
THE BANKER because he says ''if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."
The Devout Catholic Woman
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally
together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and
her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs!"
Snow
Q: Why is sex like snow?
A: You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.
This old couple is ready to go
to sleep so ...
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the
old woman lays on the floor.
The old man asks, ''''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''''
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
Give Him What He Wants
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been
sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants
sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on
it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel
that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
Young Couple
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best
man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they
danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came
on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out,
and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride
between the legs.''
''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.
''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''
Men vs. Women: Round 1
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none
will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar
of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes
and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Golf Balls and G-Spots
What's the difference between a girl's G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend hours looking for the golf ball!
A Lesson in Church
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was
knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the
man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at
him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the
needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said,
"Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any
more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed
"Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest
smiled and said, "That's right."
Harley Davidson and Woman
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to
heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good
guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out
with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna
hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and
introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of
Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design
flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it
chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake
is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types
in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of
paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells
Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my
invention than yours."
Obese Michigan Mammas
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
A man walks out of a bar totally
hammered...
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
The Lady and the Facelift
A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys
showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how
old do you think I am''?
The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''
The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young
man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''
The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''
The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''
After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is.
He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her
panties.''
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces,
''You're 47!''
The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''
The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation
at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two
asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come
once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to
spella Mississippi.''
Devil In The Church
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early
and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and
talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the
front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Talking Sex
Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it's sexual harassment.
But when a women talks nasty to a man it's $3.99 a minute.
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