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Condoms and Women
What do condoms and women have in common?
Both spend more time in a guy's wallet than on his cock.
The Living Statues
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues
faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two
of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I
am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have
30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each
other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The
angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes
rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have
fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down
and I'll crap on its head!"
Speaking Women-ese
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of
mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a
girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
Ten Cents
A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a
hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt
required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself
out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But
financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's
back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed
up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.
"$398.10," she said.
"Who paid ten cents?" he asked.
"Everybody."
Mommy and Daddy Dearest
There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture
of a deer.
So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?”
“I dunno,” claims Bobby.
So then she says, “I'll give you a hint—it's what your mother calls your
father.”
The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that's what a son of a bitch
looks like
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some
of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male
dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any
questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
Dr. Feelgood
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex
life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams,
psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to
say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the
grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your
clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls
eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her
like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across
the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love
pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They
told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt
that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery
of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I
cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now
please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
Uncle Tommy's Closet
A guy comes home early one day from work. And he hears weird sounds coming from
his bedroom. When he gets to his room, he finds his wife naked on the bed
sweating bullets.
''What the hell is going on?'' he says.
''I'm having a heart attack!!''
So he runs down stairs, and picks up the phone to dial 911. But as he is doing
this, his four-year-old son, comes running up to him and says, ''Dad, Uncle
Tommy is up stairs, hiding in your closet, and he's naked'' So he slams the
phone down, and runs upstairs, to find his own brother, in the closet.
The man, then says. ''What the hell are you doin? My wife is having a heart
attack, and your here running around naked, scaring the kids? You shoud be
ashamed of yourself!"
Skin Transplant Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely
burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her
body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his
own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all,
this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and
relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at
his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There
is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Hiding In The Closet
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year
old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Getting Weighed
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?"
asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He
guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again
asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he
guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want
to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping
her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Showers: Men Vs. Women
How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights
and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband
along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you
can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and
raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make
sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the
water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers
if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way,
flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your
pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor bacause
you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size. 18. Leave
shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!''
and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
Something Borrowed, Something
Blew
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and
the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his
face.
The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up - you look so excited.''
The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire
life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest
smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy
to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''
The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''
Getting Down Under
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a
man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a
personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the
Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get
married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the
festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing
in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in
one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”
Men Are Like Toilets
Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!
Trainsets and Breasts
What do electric trainsets and women's breasts have in common?
They were both originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with
them.
Mom's Sponge
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He
points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied
with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy
catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for
bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon.
Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it.
His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back
in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found
my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"
The Best Neighbor
John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition.
One day John walks over to the fence of Sam's yard and sees Sam's wife watering
the garden naked. The next day he tells Sam about this. So Sam wants revenge.
That night he catches John's wife performing oral sex on John.
The next day Sam comes up to John and says, ''Hey, I saw your wife performing
oral sex on you last night.''
''Hah,'' John says, ''I wasn't home last night!''
Mountain Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300
mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
5 Counterproductive Pick-Up
Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then
could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll
give you the meat.
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