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Condom Size Tester
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie
grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and
leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
How to Impress a Woman/Man
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
show up naked,
bring beer.
Blonde's Backseat
A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove''
where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good
and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she
wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the
guy thought he would try again.
''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.
Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had
her pants unzipped.
''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.
''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well,
why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''
Adam Talks All About Eve
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told
God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam
began to ask questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did
you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you.
Black Eyes
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him
and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me
had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."
Never Trust a Woman
Q: Why can you never trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?
Gas Grill
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the
garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said,
''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the
gas grill.''
Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the
grill, then his wife's butt. ''Yep,'' he said,'' just what I thought, just about
the same size.''
The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house
and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and
said, ''How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?''
The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. ''What's the
matter?'' he asked.
She replied, ''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one
little weenie, do you?''
Respectfully Cheating
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that
question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start
the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day
the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no
questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you
would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing
that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr.
DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were
in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to
save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you
must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of
the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Small Things
Q: What three words mean small?
A: Is it in?
Who Was That Masked Man?
A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a
terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he
agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.
Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what
her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on
the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and
groping them when he could.
She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and
whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck
off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.
Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went
home before the clock struck twelve.
When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting
people?"
He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with
me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It
wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to had the time of his
life!"
Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots.
Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that
your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my
daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place at your waist.
Rule Two: I'm sure that you have been told that in today's world sex without a
barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier
and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many
oppurtunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her
cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup -- a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there why don't you do something useful, like change
the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden
stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient
temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts
or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to
her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.
Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom,
you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five
acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As
soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in
plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you
have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There
is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.
No Ass
Q: What do you call a woman with no asshole?
A: Divorced.
Guys vs. Girls
Q. Why are guys faster than girls?
A. They have a stick shift and ball bearings.
The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had
been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his
bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to
come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, ''''You know what? You have been with me all through
the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my
side. You know what?''''
''''What, my dear?'''' she asked gently.
''''I think you bring me bad luck.''''
Clinton and the Beer Cans
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing
I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in
it until I die.”
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her
and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars
in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are
for all the times I've cheated on you.”
Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a
politician and traveling and all.”
She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5
million dollars?”
Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the
cans in.”
Paraplegic
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the
paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her
nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one
day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch
was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I
can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Desert Island Rescue
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl
swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the
arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet
suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long
has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
Rather Go to Prison
A woman woke up in the middle of the night and her husband was not in the bed.
She heard him in the living room sobbing and weeping like mad.
She asked him, ''Honey, what is wrong?''
He replied, ''Well, remember when you were 15 and I was 19, and you got
pregnant, and your father said I either have to marry you or go to jail for
having sex with a minor?
Well, this is the day I would have gotten out of prison.''
Losin' It
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy
lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and
says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your
virginity to me?"
"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I
love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
Snowjob
How is a man like a snowstorm?
You don't know when it's going to come, how many inches you'll get, or how long
it'll last.
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