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Men and Women
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke,
or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts;
I can get where I want to -- north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted
after only 2 beers; and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend
hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't
go around checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I
don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why get all
bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit around waiting
for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back; I don't
carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill
you; or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational,
reasonable, and logical too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And
I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two balls and stand when
I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball; it's more fun than
dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work; I
won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate
pleasure; I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see; I'm glad I'm not capable of child
delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days; I'm glad that my gender gets me
a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true; I'm so glad
I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of Budweiser, beer
nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections; I won't drive to
Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties and act like a
clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your
hooters, I won't pinch your butt; my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer
gut. And I don't go around “re-adjusting” my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my
headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad
I could sing; I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from
my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you can't see three inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb; I'll never buy a toupee to
cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side; I'm a woman, you
know - I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me;
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and
shoot basketball; I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you
my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that
gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep; then screw you, roll
over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see; forget all about that old penis
envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks; join the Hair
Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful,
it's true; I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
The Businessman's Lucky Seat
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that
American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
Gassy Broad
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very
embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and
her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and
gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to
make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in
the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she
had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked
beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she
figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So
she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large
orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband
seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise
for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the
table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her
promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the
phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was
becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized
the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only
loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma
pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage
cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went
on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of
her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on
her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the
picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long,
he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point,
he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table
to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
Sex Before Marriage
Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before marriage.
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. Remind me -- what was your wife's maiden name?
Tampon Shopping
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl
notices him and asks if she can help him.
He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down
the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a
carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
Exotic Male Dancer
The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club. One of the girls
wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us,
and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy
back over, licked the $50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my
wallet and thought for a minute. Then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM
card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
Two Hundred Dollar Deal
A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks on the door and his friend's
wife answers. “Is John home?” he asks.
“No, I'm sorry,” she says. “He's gone out to run a few errands.”
“Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?” the guy asks.
So John's wife, who's wearing a robe, invites him inside.
“I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe,” says
John's friend. “I will pay you $100 if I could just see them.”
The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is $100. She opens
her robe exposing her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a
$100 bill and throws it on the table.
Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he says, “Your breasts are so
beautiful, can I suck on them. I will pay you another $100 if you will let me.”
She once again thinks for a moment and thinks, “What the hell,” opens her robe,
and the man spends at least five minutes on each luscious breast.
He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100, throws it on the table and says,
“I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by.”
About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and
says, “Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago.”
John replies, “Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”
Silk Stalkings
What do men and stockings have in common?
They either run, cling, or don't fit in the crotch!
Cherry Pop
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they
make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."
"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll
be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about
a hard liquor."
"Exactly."
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The
father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit
spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta
ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next
morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next
night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta,
Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the
doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally
came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here
-- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this
morning!"
Yard Work Sign Language
A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is
looking for a rake and can''t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions
to him from the window like she can''t hear. So he points to his eye, hits his
knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by
pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her
crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"
"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
Men & Women Of Chemistry
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due
to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends
to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:
Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to
smell.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze
any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for
gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to
absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a
better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
The Wishing Well
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and
throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the
well, and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."
Dog Day Afternoon
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like
you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I
got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired
me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''
The guy says, ''I said BAD DOG!''
The Unconcerned Widow
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die,
I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the
rest of your life!"
The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing
cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed
it very much.
Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a
closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar
and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a
group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the
grave.
The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him
buried upside down!"
Smoking Problems
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Use more lube.
Presidential surprise
The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that
somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President
Sucks." Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done
it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news
and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."
"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting''s the first lady''s."
The Dynamite Kid
There were these two people in a bar, a boy and a girl. They started talking and
decided to go back to the guy's house. When they got there the man took off his
shirt and said, ''This is 1,000 pounds of dynamite.''
The girl was sweating.
Then he took off his pants and said, ''This is another 1,000 pounds of
dynamite.''
By now, the girl wanted to jump on him. Then he took off his boxers and the girl
started to run for the door.
The guy asked, ''Whats wrong? Where are you going?''
The girl said ''With 2,000 pounds fo dynamite and such a short fuse, I thought
you were going to blow.''
Car Crash
A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive
100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100
mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that
he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his
girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and
one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas
station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.'
'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get
help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station.
She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm
sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'
P.M.S.
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this
house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED
OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured
it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light
bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs,
TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to
change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO
ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE
HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....
I'm sorry... what did you ask me?
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