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An Act of Charity
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in
the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out
three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that
someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately
shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the
person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her
to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how
wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three
handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Peanut In Your Ear
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in
the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut,
his wife asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into
his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing
it in deeper into his ear.
He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove
the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they
were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After
being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the
peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young
man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to
the father.
"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
Airplane Hijinx
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one
another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her
nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The
southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
Three Men and a Stripper
Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper came over to them and
started to shake her ass. The first guy goes, ''Watch this,'' so he licks a 50
dollar bill and sticks it on her ass. The second guy goes, ''Oh yeah? Watch
this,'' so he takes a 100 dollar bill and licks it and sticks it on her ass. The
third guy goes "That's nothing! He takes out his credit card, slides it down her
ass crack and takes the money.'
She-Devil
Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every
night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and
hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of
him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare
me; I'm married to your sister!"
Heavenly Reward
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But
before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure
you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the
beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You
have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"
St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"
The guy replied, "24 years."
St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"
The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was
married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first
year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."
The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for
63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy
with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the
matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife
and she was on a skateboard!"
Pearly Gates
Three guys were at the Pearly Gates when Peter answered. He said there was one
space open for someone. He asked them how they died.
"I came home one day and saw my wife in bed, naked. I looked all over the house
and decided to check the balcony. I saw some fingers so I took a hammer and hit
his fingers but a bush broke his fall so I took my fridge and threw it on him.
But I felt so bad for killing a man that I killed myself."
"I was painting on the 37th floor, when I slipped and fell. I was holding on to
a balcony, when some guy hit me on the fingers with a hammer so I fell, and then
dropped a fridge on me."
"I was hiding innnocently in the fridge."
Mermaid Sex
This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar
and see a man sitting there with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked
down and said to the man, “Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed
you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?” The man said “No, I got this in
the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in WWII. I was the only survivor
on the ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she
would grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S.
The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would
ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She
said, ‘I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.’”
So I said, “How about a little head?”
Ed Zachery Disease
There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a
date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr.
Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his
office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all her clothes.
"Now," he said. "Get down and craw reery reery srory to odder side of room." The
woman did.
"Now," he said. "Now craw reery reery fass back to me." The woman did. The Dr.
looked at her mournfully and said "I vely solly. Your probrem vewy bad, you haf
Ed Zachery Disease."
"Ed Zachery Disease? What's that?"
"Vewy sad. It's when your face rook Ed Zachery rike your ass."
Woman Says, Man Hears
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on
the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON
THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT
NOW.
Old Man and his Babies
There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the
woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the
father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a'
running.”
Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the
man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, “This
old motor is still a' running.”
The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third
child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a
10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a'
running.''
And the doctor said, “Yeah but you better get your oil changed beacuse this one
is black.”
Two Black Eyes
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what
happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to
sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it
out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back
in."
The Naked Truth
This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home
early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom
to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the
bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.
He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?''
Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''
The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''
Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''
The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll
be back in a flash!''
The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom.
When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and
clapping.
The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''
He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a
problem with moths.''
The husband looks him over and says,''But you're naked.''
The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''
Body Talk
This lady goes to the doctor for a check up.
When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"
She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. and what did he have to say about your forty year
old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."
Top 10 Party Games for People
Over 50
Sag! You're it!
Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted in your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
Doc, doc, goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Musical recliners.
Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
Hide and go pee!
Seasick
Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested
they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like
we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of
seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said ''I've
been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went
back to the pharmacy and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of
condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on
their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and
the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over thirty
years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the
hell do you do it?
Golfer Goes to the Emergency
Room
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball
into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I
noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and
lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right
in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
Dad Eats Lightbulbs
Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does
something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father
eats lightbulbs.
"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.
"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said 'I'll only eat
that thing
Be Careful What You Wish For
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the
earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man
wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and
a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie,
"But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive
twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's
see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live
in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his
minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on.
He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones
standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of
the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke
and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and
waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
My Husband Likes To Watch
A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose
interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man.
The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds
immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was
another man to help work.
So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have
mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the
stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife
worked, the stranger yelled, ''Hey! No fucking! Get back to work!''
At this, the couple yelled back, ''We're not fucking!''
A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple
denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower,
and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made
love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, ''Wow, it
really does look like they're fucking from up here!'''
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