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Shy Guy's Rejection
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, ''Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?'' She
responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ''No, I won't sleep with you
tonight...you pig ''
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face. After a
few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and
says, ''I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public
situations.'' To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ''What do
you mean $200 for a BJ?''
Zip It. Zip It Good.
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for
the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight
leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on
the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a
quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not
make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her
and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the
step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of
the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt
to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up
easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she
went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him ''How dare you
touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! ''
At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.''
Think You're Secret Agent
Material?
Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI
agent tells the first man, ''To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and
give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and
shoot her with this gun.''
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ''Sorry, I can't do it.''
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he
told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks
out. ''Sorry, I can't.'' he says.
The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the
test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots,
silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man comes out of the room and says, ''Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so
I beat her to death with the curtain railing!''
And God Created A Sleeping Man
A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband
would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her
husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke
him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church the husband, as
always, fell asleep.
"Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" The wife stuck her
husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh my God!" The
preacher said, "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.
He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal
damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed,
"Jesus Christ!" And the preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband
fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband
pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife.
"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?" the preacher asked. The wife
started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up
and exclaimed, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it
in half!"
All You Can Drink
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs
down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down
that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This
goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my
business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe
and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she
starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."
Sharing An Order
There was an elderly couple that went to McDonald's. They ordered one
cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the
old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the
burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring
the soda in the extra cup he ordered.
The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the
couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy
to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need
because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years.
The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old
woman just sat there doing nothing.
He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.
She said, "Well, it's his turn to use the teeth."
Women's English
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to
like
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later
If You Could!
An affluent couple gets into an argument over dinner.
"If you could cook," said the husband, "we could fire the chef."
"If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver."
Stuck in the middle
One day, there's a man and his wife driving along a road. Suddenly out of
nowhere, a freak cyclone sweeps through, overturning the car and ripping off
both the man and woman's clothes. The Cyclone passes as quickly as it came, and
the man finds himself trapped underneath the overturned car. He shouts at his
wife to get help, who responds by telling him that she is wearing no clothes.
"Put my shoes over your crotch!" he shouts "and go and get me help". She
obliges, putting his shoes over her crotch, and flags down the next passing car.
The driver gets out. "Help, help, it's my husband!" shouts the woman, to which
the driver says, "Well if he's that far up, he's got no bloody chance!"
S&M Sans Rubber Suits
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other
since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The
conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets
around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure,
how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for
that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
Accidental Bonding
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -
there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him
that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another
miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens
it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it
back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Stumpy and his wife
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy
would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71
years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another
chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten
dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you
both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one
word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over
again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By
golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten
dollars is ten dollars."
A Group Of Four Very Close
Friends
There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met
everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the
salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other
three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some
practical jokes on the new married person.
"I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said
the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.'
"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what
I'm going to do.'
The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys
for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but
I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."
Double Entendres Out The Wazoo
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one
employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help
guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of
course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's
situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the
day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have
to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked
Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
Hold Me
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But
then the wife stops and says: ''I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold
me.''
The husband says, ''WHAT??'' The wife explains that he must not be in tune with
her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to
happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide.
He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so
excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes
for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ''But you don't even play tennis, but
OK if you like it then let's get it.''
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going
on.
She says ''Okay, I'm ready, let's go to the cash register.''
The husband says, ''No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.''
The wife's face goes blank. ''No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
a while.''
If Men Ruled the World
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to
her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I
love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in
a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll
get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for,
like "Heywood J'Blowme."
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your
choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window
and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred
Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and
go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with
a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap
years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing
cops. Or to the crooks.
Two words: Ally McNaked.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from
a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it
the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would
actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Winter Lovers
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When
they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he
says,“'Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs
and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them
between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the
night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are
really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don't
your ears ever get cold?”
Porsche and Hedgehog
What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has pricks on the outside!
American in Mexico
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking
around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the
only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him
stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog.
The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and
says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
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