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After the Honeymoon...
A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and
asks what's wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as
I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without
thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your
wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving
yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though:
She gave me $20 change!''
Naked Man on the Run
A man was having an affair with a married woman. When her husband had gone to
work, her secret lover came 'round. Just as they got down to business, the door
bell went. The woman went and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.
"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."
The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was
seen. He was totally starkers, so hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a
nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up, and joined them.
After a while, he got talking to one of them, "So how long have you been a
nudist?" a man asked him.
"Not long" he replied "what about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to
the condom the man was wearing.
"Oh, it was raining when I came out" the man replied.
Who is Marylou?!?
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and
slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written
on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog
track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
What's for Dinner?
A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is
deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often
have to repeat things over and over again."
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from
her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say
it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her
deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off
about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some
vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind
her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Three Guys Go to Heaven
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you,
how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times
did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
What, No Golden Goose?
A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a
golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden
Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who
pissed in your saxophone."
Maria's Vida Loca
Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two
weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks
later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward.
"At least they're finally together."
"Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first
husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs."
Furrier Funnies
Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the
lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in
back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir,
that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on
Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is
outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in
your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!"
Unlikely
Last 10 Things a Man Would Say:
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool dude.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy armpits are really sexy.
7. Her breasts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on ''Murder She Wrote'' gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your
purse.
2. Screw Monday Night Footbal! Let's watch Lifetime.
1. I think we're lost. Let's pull over and ask for directions.
The Last 10 Things a Woman Would Ever Say
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey…get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw away that old T-shirt. The holes in the armpits are just
too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big!
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches long.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
PMS
Q: Why do they call PMS PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
The Doctor's Convention
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.
A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor
notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by
the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes
her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you
must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist,
because I didn't feel a thing!''
First Class Blondie
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach
section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class
seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more
comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant
checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here
all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of
the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned
seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to
sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to
discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde
girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and
briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and
rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant,
who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had
said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
Two Men and an Egg
Once upon a time there were two men. One of them has a hen that lays an egg
every morning for his breakfast. One morning, the guy wakes up and sees his egg
on the other guy's lawn. So he goes over there to get it but, by the time he
gets there, the other guy has already picked it up.
The first guy says, “Hey that's my egg.”
The other guy responds, “But it's on my lawn.”
The first guy says, “Well, where I come from, we have a way of settling these
problems. First we get our heaviest boots and kick each other in the nuts. Then
we time each other to see how long it takes for both of us to get up. Whoever is
up in the least amount of time wins.” The other guy says okay.
So the guy with the hen kicks first, because it's his hen. The second guy
doesn't get up for 30 minutes, but he finally does and says, “Now it's my turn.”
But the first guy walks away, saying, “Never mind, you can keep the egg.”
She Said, He Heard
What a woman says:
“This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear.
if we don't do laundry right now!”
What a man hears:
“blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW”
Never Heard That Excuse
A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening
drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his
hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he
suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened
her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still
behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he finally thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the
car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't particularly
feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving
that I haven't heard before, you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were
trying to give her back."
"Off you go," said the officer.
Perry Coma
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many
months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the
doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the
hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had
seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the
husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in
her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and
announced that she was dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
Age-Old Riddle
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
Three Stupid Wives
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and
discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to
the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we
don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments,
''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both
walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think
of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her
packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she
doesn't even have a penis!''
Inventions
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and
tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the
assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang
out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says,
''I want to hang out with God Himself.''
The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to
God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?''
God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God
goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits
for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but
according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Hotel Hijinx
A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow.
Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your
breast, you will surely forgive me." She leans up to him and whispers "If your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
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