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Harpsichord jokes
The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord
is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".
Oboe jokes
Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.
Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries.
Organ jokes
Q: Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
A: They are always longing for another stop.
Q: Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.
Q: Why was the organ invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".
The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty
of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Piano jokes
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.
Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over
with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.
Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.
Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject
you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.
A note left for a pianist from his wife
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.
Piccolo jokes
Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who
was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Saxophone jokes
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.
Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't
return the sax when you borrow it.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've
done it.
Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune
tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.
Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better
Michael Brecker would have done it.
Trombone jokes
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be
surmised from this?
A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.
Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that
the sheep story also works.
Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.
Trumpet jokes
Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that
better.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.
Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!
Tuba jokes
Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.
Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."
Viola jokes
Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A semi-tone.
Q: Why are violas so large?
A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the
viola player's heads are so small.
Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
A: Violists.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that
all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.
Q: How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: Which positions does a violist use?
A: First, third, and emergency.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a
30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Fight between the musicians
At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a
viola player having a fight.
He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.
The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo
when he broke my reed!"
"Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that?"
In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't
tell me which ones!"
Musicians on a sinking ship
A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.
"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"
"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
Make me a better musician
There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that
wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was
cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out
popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician
than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the
morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find
himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he
thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped
the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so.
When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin
Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could
do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find
himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
The insane conductor
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a
smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the
conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
Violin jokes
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're
missing.
The autograph book
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan
while in the greenroom after a concert.
"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your
repertoire."
Contacting a friend
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other
and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news.
The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're
playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Here is your punishment
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin
lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Vocal jokes
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive
lineman?
A: Stage makeup.
Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower
end of the scale.
A: She was known as the deep C diva.
Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors
could tell?
Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."
Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never
sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.
Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing
lessons?
A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.
Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.
Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Get the drummer to do it.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
This must be heaven
So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in
the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a
bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect
this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.
"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."
The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."
A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of
practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected,
however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides
to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship
between singer and conductor.
1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a
pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and
vice-versa.
2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded
space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under
pressure.
3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.
4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression
you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.
5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from
birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.
6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune.
This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.
7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy
marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you
don't have the music.
9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is
written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the
pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.
11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive
about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.
12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit
unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of
individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most
difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making
to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give
her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties
of inflection".
13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the
piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is
this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase,
stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage
just before the concert.
15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others
will become restless and start to fidget.
Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you,
where it belongs!
The amazing conductor
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the
jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of
the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed,
"Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"
The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high
E was at the end?"
Arriving at Heaven
A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking,
"Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"
The soprano answers, "Three."
"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the
soprano three times with a needle.
"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.
Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've
sung down on Earth."
"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she
suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is
that?" asks the soprano, horrified.
"Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start
his third week in the sewing machine."
Operas that never made it
Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.
Mozart: The Magic Tuba.
Puccini: La Bamba.
Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.
Verdi: Rigatoni.
Orchestra jokes
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to
understand.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
A: They've had little use.
While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw
was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.
Playing music
Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.
However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a
neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.
However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over
the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.
The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't
matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.
Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.
One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.
Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied
with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid
home.
Efficiency
From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and
recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were
the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would
seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this
work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest
semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal
time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of
trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the
horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of
efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe
tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called
upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the
Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under
condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with
concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the
instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern
cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
May I speak to the conductor
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that
he is dead.
The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from
receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."