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Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's
position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a
handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall
building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot
asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."
Lawyer Means...
What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician.
Presidential surprise
The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that
somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President
Sucks." Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done
it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news
and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."
"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwriting''s the first lady''s."
Famous People Say the Darndest
Things
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you
have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
Patricia Arquette
"And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And
let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
George Burns
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of
a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a
sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite
well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great
White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the
state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never
forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time
of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that
really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's
breasts?"
Hugh Grant
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So
what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and
just give her a house."
Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary
Clinton...
Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game
began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.
The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I
think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."
Clinton Poll
Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their opinions on
the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you ever have an affair
with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!
5% — No
3% — Yes
92% — Never Again
Bush's Tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so
excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to
define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a
tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an
accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!
If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss!
Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura
were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most
people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great
loss!"
Eternal Judgment
Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same
day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They
start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on
one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."
Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street
feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and
can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He
disappears.
Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them.
So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new
quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become
fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul
disappears.
Voodoo Enronomics
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them and sells you the milk.
Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island
company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Washington, Nixon, & Clinton
Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill
Clinton?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton
doesn't know the difference!
Senate Slander
A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue,
exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made
up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or
be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what
I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
Screw The World
What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton?
One wants to screw the world and one already has!
Bush's Advisors
G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls
his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is
to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It
isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.
G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It
isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't
your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Bush Has Feelings Too
George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make
about me."
Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by
a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show
you what I mean."
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me
to 261 M street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the
doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us
back to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to
Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about
their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy,
was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have
realized you could have called instead!
Osama's Valentine
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned
about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have
enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw
what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd
start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how
he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David,
that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could
blow the shit out of him."
"The O.J. Murder Trial" by
Dr.Seuss
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!
A setback in Iraqi-American
relations
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of
talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on
the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam
presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the
second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the
shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put
off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third
button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates,
he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning
well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in
two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two
men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself
for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button.
Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he
presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush
roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again,
and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Bush BM
President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case of constipation. He sends his
Spanish secretary, who knows little English, to the local hospital. She tells
the doctor, "Big President Bush, no shit."
The doctor understands and gives him some medicine to take with him.
The next day, the secretary comes back again and says, "Big President, no shit."
The doctor gives him even stronger medicine. A few days later, the secretary
comes yet again and says, "Big President, big no shit."
The doctor gives him the strongest medicine he has.
The next day, the secretary comes back to the doctor and says, "Ba-Boom! Big
shit, no President."
Lucky Frog
I decided to take a day off from work and go golfing. I was on the fourth hole,
when I discovered a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention
until I heard, ''Ribbit. Nine iron.''
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a nine
iron, and sunk a hole-in-one. Amazing! So I picked up the frog and headed to the
fifth hole. I asked the frog what club to used and it said, ''Ribbit. Three
wood.'' I used that club and sunk another hole-in-one! I continued an amazing
round of golf. At the end, I asked the frog where we should go next. ''Ribbit.
Vegas.''
So we went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. ''Ribbit.
Roulette.''
So we went up to the roulette table, and I asked the frog how much I should
wager. ''Ribbit. Three thousand dollars.''
It was a lot of money, but I ponied up anyway. Needless to say, I won big! I
took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. Once we were up there, I
asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. ''Ribbit. Kiss
me.''
I figured, what the hell, it's just a frog. So I kissed the frog, and it turned
into a 15-year old girl. That's how she ended up in my room, and if I'm lying,
my name's not William Jefferson Clinton.
Monica's Deposition
Bill Clinton on Monica Lewinsky's deposition: "I didn't tell her to lie in her
deposition, I said to lie in that position."