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Medical Miracles
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical
technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put
the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart
out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into
another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."
The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of
Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"
Clinton Hijinx
Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a
pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I
got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"
Trade Talks
One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''
The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade,
sir'''
Al Gore's Piercing
Why did Al Gore get a belly ring?
Because George Bush had a Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney and the Bushes
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick
looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out
the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out
the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course
then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred
people very happy."
The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of
you out the window and make the whole country happy."
Clinton -vs- Titanic
Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony
video:
Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet
Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe
Titanic: villain - White Star Line
Clinton: villain - Ken Starr
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist
Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary
First Lady
Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 AM?
To make sure she's the First Lady...
Liberal Jokes
Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer - A competent liberal President.
Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?
Answer - Mace.
Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there
not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on
borrowed money.
Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are
protected by the government.
Taliban Poetic Justice
My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well, this sounds good to me. It would
be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his
comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do
neither.
Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever covertly capture him, fly him to
an undisclosed hospital, and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change
operation.
Then we return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.
Four Men and Their Dogs
Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were
bragging about how smart their dogs were.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,
"Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was
good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said,
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government
Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the
paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing
so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's
Compensation and went home on sick leave.
The Quotable Marion Barry
Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry:
"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during
this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime
rate."
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I
say? I'm a night owl."
"Bitch set me up."
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan?
Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of
gravity is racist."
"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city,
just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can
you deny that to Africa?"
"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the
president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill
me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the
ultimate sacrifice."
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The
Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem
it necessary?"
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water
mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man;
I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
Touchy Feely Cracky
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in
front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I''m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense,
so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can''t help practicing my art!"
"That''s the stupidest thing I''ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
Osama is Celebate
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
Times When the F-word Was
Appropriate
People get really upset when you use the "F" word. So much so, that I can't even
write the full word out, but have to referto it as the "F" word. However,
despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the
"F" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN
THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"
Any F'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F'ing hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy
"Who the F is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton
President Clinton & the Pope
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administrative foul-up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to
hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil who acknowledged the error.
The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the
problem. The next day, the Pope was sent off to heaven. On his way up, he met
Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat.
"Sorry about the mix-up" said the Pope. "Though I''m really excited about going
to heaven."
"Why''s that?"
"I''ve always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
"You''re about a day late."
Capitol Parrot
One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird
cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid
was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she
went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the
one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but
the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was
better than nothing and bought it.
When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage
like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said “Too
old, too old” -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.
A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too
young.”
A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped
enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!”
The True Story
Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last
minute, his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short
notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named
Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his managers but was told that this
was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the
soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook,
but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went
okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off and by the
time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was
getting worse and worse 'til finally he had to excuse himself from the state
dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his
rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with
violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led
to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he
finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he
realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with
his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over
him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, “sack my cook.”
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
George W. Drowning
One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard
cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake
drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.
Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a
boat."
The second boy said, "I want a truck."
And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."
Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?"
The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is
going to kill us all!"
Political Spelling Contest
If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton all had a spelling
contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that
harass is one word.
Gore & Pantyhose
What do Gore and Pantyhose have in common?
They both irritate Bush.