HOME
Osama's Covered Wagon
Why hasn't Osama bin Laden ever been circumcized?
Because there is just no end to that prick!
Cows In Government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations
say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them,
and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell
you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it
takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull
Bin Laden vs Custer
What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?
They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.
Top 10 Things You Don't Want
Dubya to Say
10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two
beautiful twin daughters I have? They're clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentally pushed the
wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed
the red button that sent off the missiles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. What's a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us.
After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire
too, because without him I'm a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in
November. I rigged the votes. It's been on my small hillbilly mind all this
time. Gore really won, but don't tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out
loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are
all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one-way ticket to the U.S.
space station, where I'll watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and
I'll laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to
drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course,
if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very
refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. I'm
not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was
the one time in my life when I felt accepted.... oh... what? We're still on the
air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh... WE ARE NOW
EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
Dubya, Obviously Not Jewish
One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend
recommended a kosher place nearby.
They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo
ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup
suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a
bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.
After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you
Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"
Helen Keller's Broken Arm
How did Helen Keller break her arms?
Trying to read road signs at forty M.P.H.
Catching Osama
Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden?
Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses
in after him. Those people can find anybody!
Clinton's Favorite Things
This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie"The
Sound of Music"
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
FedEx UPS Merger
Did you hear about the FedEx-UPS merger?
The new company's gonna be called FedUp!
Clinton's First
President Clinton opened doors for future presidents. Now not only will there be
a First Lady and First Children, but also First Ho.
Government vs. Mafia
What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
Jeffrey Dahmer and Lorena Bobbit
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
Are you gonna eat that?
Washington Survey
A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked if they would ever sleep
with President Clinton.
60% said, "Never again!"
Screwdrivin' Clinton
What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!
Rush Limbaugh's Chauffeur
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally
hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.
Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door
and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out,
Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife
brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained
the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd
just killed the pig."
Clinton & KFC
Q. Why can't Bill Clinton work at KFC?
A. He can't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs.
Bush, Einstein and Picasso
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let
him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into
paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and
let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How
can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew
his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"
St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
David Beckham Redux
What do David Beckham and a Cartier watch have in common?
They both come in a Posh box!
Condit Arrest
What will the FBI say when they go to Gary Condit's house to arrest him?
"Mr. Condit, come out with your pants up!"
Bush Fans
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are
Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the
teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks
Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan"
The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al
Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!" The teacher is
kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're mom was a
moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That
would make me a Bush fan."