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Euro-English Instead of German
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached
to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan
for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's'
will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve
this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will
this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent
shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z'
and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem
vil finali kum tru.
Euro-English Instead of German
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached
to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan
for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's'
will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve
this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will
this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent
shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z'
and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem
vil finali kum tru.
Saddam Hussein
What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
Neither knew when to pull out!
Osama Bin Laden's Halloween
Costume
What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween?
Dead.
Clinton and the Pope
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife
paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to
heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the
escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass
each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says,
"Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven
now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks,
"What is that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes
his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."
Afghani TV Guide
MONDAY
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - " McBeal"
TUESDAY:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"
WEDNESDAY:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAY:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAY:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
Monica & The Rest Of Us
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: To get some dick in the White House, we just voted!
Osama's Ride
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they
stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and
looked at the camel's butt. Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you
doing?"
Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two
assholes on that camel.'"
Bob Dole's Band
What is Bob Dole's favorite band?
Limp Bizkit
Hillary Clinton's Crystal Ball
Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave
news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be
a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single
flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to
compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze,
steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
The FBI, CIA, LAPD, and some
Rabbits
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a
rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit
had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The
bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Bush & the Blackboard
George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked
the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.
Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and
the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air."
Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they
could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it?
Can you spell "Is" and "We"?
The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.
"My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact,
they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?
The boy writes the words on the blackboard.
"Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?"
The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The
President is we tall did."
Clinton's Safe Sex
What's Bill Clinton's definition of safe sex?
When Hillary's out of town!
George Dubya on a Sinking Ship
George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.
Racists and Lightbulbs
How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None -- they don't want to be enlightened!
Hail To The...No, Wait
Q: What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?
A: Kneel to the Chief!
Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come
back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars,
would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially,
we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two
sluts."
Afghani Fowl
What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
DUCK!!!
A Lawyer and A Politician
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
A Lawyer and A Politician
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.