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Lincoln, JFK, & Crazy
Coinkydinks
Lincoln and JFK started politics 100 years apart.
Lincoln and JFK were elected to office 100 yrs apart.
Lincoln and JFKs' vice president's had the last name Johnson.
Lincoln and JFK have 7 letters in their last name.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
Here's the BIG ONE: Lincoln, a week before his death, was in Monroe, Maryland.
Kennedy, a week before his death, was in Marilyn Monroe!!!!
Prime Minister's Wife Makes a
Faux Pas
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador
and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the
Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such
a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene
for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you
most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew
what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze
English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
Taliban Tank Trix
How do you stop a Taliban tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it!
White House Synonyms
George W. Bush is the President
Dick Cheney is Vice President
Colin Powell is the Secretary of Defense
We have a bush, dick and a colon in office so we're bound to get screwed
somewhere along the line.
How to Mess With the IRS
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay
taxes on their salary.)
--Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole
right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take
out any staples in the right side.
--Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put
a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples
rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
--Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you
put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the
extractor has to open it by hand.
--If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
--On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in
cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to
take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
--Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and
stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.
--Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back
of a Kroger sack.
--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi
form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular
business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take
priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
--If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your
half destroyed form.
--Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like
have to be removed and put away.
--Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then
date stamped.
NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with The
Man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money
Scags Who Blew Bill
Q: What's the difference between Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.
A: Close, but no cigar.
Texas Talkin'
Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally
introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't
stink
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be
deceiving
This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as
you're told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You
can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
KFC: Our Daily Chicken
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he
would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to
"give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from
"give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and
again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man
offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following
day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad
news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million
dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
Bin Laid
How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.
Clinton on Halloween
A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween, but he couldn't get
door-to-door with his pants around his ankles.
Dallas Cowboys' Texas Stadium
Did you know that they are going to change the name of the Dallas Cowboys'
Stadium?
It's going to be called Drug Emporium.
Clocks
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of
Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock
displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for
each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock
ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to
two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice.
He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''
St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling
fan.'''
List of Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance
11) Everything Men Know About Women
12) French Hospitality
13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
18) Popular Lawyers
19) Staple Your Way to Success
20) The Amish Phone Book
Saddam Hussein in a Foxhole
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two
bullets in your gun. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
George W. and Moses
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old
man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying
two stone tablets in his arms.
He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you Moses?"
But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him
again, ''Aren't you Moses?''
The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George
grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me --
Aren't you Moses?"
The man replies, "I'm not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I
ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"
Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past
few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8,
and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an
economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that
crashes four times a day?"
Clinton in Oz
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go to Oz, to
visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why he wanted to go. Al
said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with him.
Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he said that
he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both looked at Bill and asked
him why he was going. He answered, "I'm looking for Dorothy!"
Monica's Testimony
How did we know that Monica would testify?
Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.
Donations for Dee Dee
Did you hear that Disney is going to make a movie about Dee Dee Corodini?
Yup, it will be called '101 Donations.'
The Grand Forks Flood Film
Did you know their making a movie about the Grand Forks Flood?
It's called, 'A River Runs Over It.'