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Microsoft and a Halter Top
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!
Bush's Winning Campaign Slogans
1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6. I promise no sex scandal -- just look at me!
7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers.
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.
Bush and Clinton and Bush
A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must be something, knowing that you
put the Bush legacy back into the oval office."
"Thanks to Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the office."
Liar's Clocks
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing
the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me
show you around?"
The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter
shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation
room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth.
When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be
judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going
faster than others. He asks why that is.
"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also
makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and
notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are
spinning at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use
Bill Of No Rights
Our Rights: The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from
Cobb County, GA
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymore riots, keep our nation
safe, promote positive behavior, and securethe blessings of debt-free liberty to
ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to
ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny,
guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident:
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other
form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the
world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are
the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice,
but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you
kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob,
cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised
if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their
lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive
governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd
like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to
spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military
uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to
have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that
you have the right to pursue happiness, which, by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you
who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Monica At The UN
Q: What did Ms. Lewinsky allegedly say when offered a position at the UN?
A: Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"
Clinton's Music
Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?
A: Because he had a hor-monica.
Blonde State of Mind
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
Clinton and a lightbulb
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Zero. He only screws interns.
Osama's Favorite Movie
What's Osama bin Laden's favorite movie?
"Dude, Where's my Cave?"
If Microsoft Was Looking for
Drivers
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would
perform illegal operations and crash.
The Redneck-Unabomber Connection
What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have in common?
They've both been fingered by their brothers.
Clinton Abortion Bill
Whitehouse aide to Clinton: "What are we gonna do about the new abortion bill,
Mr. President?"
Clinton's reply : "Shhhhh - just pay it."
The Bill Clinton Sale
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's
day?
A: All pants half off!
Rebuilding New York &
Afghanistan
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera
television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in
further war. I can see total peace in the future!"
George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"
Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and
beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and
wonderful."
George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for
the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building
here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the
street."
Osama asks, "And what do they say?"
George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
Clinton's Protection
Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
Baby Gates and Microsoft
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped
on time:
Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er,
born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products
have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded
them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow
and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced
one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the
actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
Arkansas Fried Chicken
What do you get when you order a 'Hillary Clinton' at KFC?
Two breasts and a left wing.
Bush and Gore, together again
Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the
other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with
none.
Gore screamed for a revote.
The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a
revote.
So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back
with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy
and asks whether Bush is cheating.
"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."
Greeting the Queen
What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill
Clinton?
You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.