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White House Visitors
What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical,
intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.
Country Politics
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when
suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole
and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw
the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how
them crooked politicians lie."
Coming to America
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo
when he gets an idea.
"Driver? Can I drive for a while?"
"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the
wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and
out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over.
But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and
goes back to the car.
"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.
"Who is it? Is it a senator?"
"No. More important."
"The president?"
"No. More important."
"An ambassador? Who?"
"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."
Things Dubya Shouldn't Say
1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into consideration and realized that I
really DO look like a furry woodland creature!
2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife's birthday
gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the negligee I'm afraid he
won't be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive the bomb. At least ONE good
thing will come of this!
3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and
instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to this
day... ready? Here it goes!.. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY,
WITH A..."
4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There is
a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!
5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!
6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now: I
know you all voted for me because I am my father's son. Well, he's not my
father. You have elected the son of the mailman!
7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is my
Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please forgive
me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly done such a
thing? Simple. I don't really memorize all the names of those less than
unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames for them like
Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my little corners when
they're talking about laws and junk.
8. My fellow Americans, I forgot... what was thing with slavery again?
9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my high
school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never finished -
Miss Munerlich's kindergarten!
10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to -
Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is illegal
here in our great country that is run by me. I haven't gotten stoned in a long
time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico Machimachez, who
happens to supply me with mucho goods... What? They THROW stones at people?
...Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you're going to Afghanistan without me,
I have to... uh... write a bill for the allowance of marijuana in America! Ta ta!
Politician Walking
Q: What do you do if you see a politician walking down the road with half a
head?
A: Stop laughing and reload.
Gary Condit Gets Down to
Business
Gary Condit looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach
him. "What is it?" yells the Congressman.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. Condit. What do you want to do about it?" the aide
asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the Congressman.
Signs That The Vice President
Has a Bad Heart
1. Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.
2. His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt.
3. He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy's "Joy of Grease."
4. He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese.
5. After years of eating intravenously, he can make his arm burp.
6. According to his EKG, his heartbeat has the same rate as a strobe light.
7. Number one supporter is the Grim Reaper.
8. During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib,
eagerly awaiting "Operation Dessert Storm."
9. After every press conference there's a man standing over his body saying,
"Clear!"
10. Let's face it: He's a politician.
Gary Condit-Cadabra
What do Gary Condit and a magician have in common?
They both make their assistants disappear!
Monica and Bob Dole
What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first!
Clinton/Elian Gonzales
Why is Clinton having such a hard time deciding what to do with Elian Gonzalez?
Because the last time he decided where to put a Cuban he was almost impeached.
Sexual Congress
What do you get when you have 50 lesbians and 50 congressmen in a room?
A roomful of people who don't do dick!
50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin
Laden...
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His
Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss
Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a
B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy
in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went
absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and
leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine
subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not,
under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City"
for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he
reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
Mine his bathroom.
Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter
something about "spots".
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on
www.amihotornot.com.
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own
paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer
covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer
on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies
would be a nice accent.
Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or
perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of
every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough
to knock the crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely
Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might
fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so
give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether
they've ever thought of modeling.
Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll
be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left
in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges
interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his
hotels.
Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so
your friends can call and say hi.
When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
*Some translational notes for non-Americans: a "noogie" is a painful head rub
administered to the scalp while holding someone's head in an arm-lock; a "wedgie"
involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they
squeal; a "swirlie" involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet.
See what you missed by not attending school in the States? ;)
This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward it to
others provided you do not change or add to the contents; you are also free to
include the article in print or broadcast media provided you send the author an
acknowledgment at ameiss@earthlink.net.
Please continue to support the recovery efforts, and remember, be good to your
neighbor, regardless of their religious faith or ethnic background. God Bless
America!
Osama the Chicken
Why did Osama bin Laden cross the road?
He thought he saw the American flag, so he ran for his life.
Clinton 'n' Buddy
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a chocolate lab!
Al Gore's Piercings
Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring?
He heard that George Bush got a Dick Cheney.
Clinton's DNA
Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same
DNA.
Apologies,
The FBI
Taliban Bingo
How do you play Taliban Bingo?
B-52, F-15, B-1...
Gary Condit's Conductivity
Gary Condit is found dead with a smile on his face. Police investigators find
his scorched body and determine he had been struck by lightning.
"Why's he smiling?" one officer asks.
The other replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
Clinton's Lingerie
When did Bill Clinton go to Victoria's Secret?
When the panties were half off!